The mouth is an amazing orifice. Combined with the muscular power of the tongue, the number of things you can do with the wet, gaping hole in your face is almost unlimited. You can modify vibrations coming out of your vocal cords to form specific sounds, coding for thoughts and ideas. You can deconstruct organic matter to unlock fantastic tastes and textures from food. It can even be used to replicate sexual organs. But perhaps most illogically quizzical of all, when mashed up into another person’s corresponding face hole, it can be used to convey an intense sense of attraction and lust. Of course, in practice, sometimes this works out for the better and sometimes for the much, much worse. The following, then, is a comprehensive breakdown of the typically drunken, frequently disgusting, and often wildly inappropriate latter.
The Slow Burn
This girl thinks she’s savoring the moment by going slowly, trying to take in every part of the sloppy gymnastics match going on between the two of you. She barely moves her lips, often going at such a glacial speed that the result ends up being something closer to just breathing into each other’s open mouths than actually kissing. Frequently tries to give soft bites, or pull away slightly to try and stare into your eyes. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to move things along with this girl, and attempting to feign her slow intensity is hopeless.
The Tongue Punch
Probably would feel great in the fart box. Unfortunately, this is your face. Inserting her tongue into your mouth like a chameleon predating one of those weird stick insects, it’s almost always an unexpected surprise leaving you feeling a little grossed out. Unsure if you’re supposed to reciprocate, you end up succumbing by just opening your mouth and letting her explore around in there like a salivary spelunker.
The Puppy Dog
Similar to the Tongue Punch, except this girl has left the mouth cave in favor of the grounds. Most likely wildly intoxicated, she either has terrible aim or wants to clean your face for debris. The residue of whatever she’s been drinking coats her tongue and gets whitewashed around your mouth, leaving you with a sticky film and probably some shame. It frequently happens in public places, so your boys can snap a few blurry pics of the horrific display of unabashed lust occurring on your face.
Fairly self-explanatory. This girl likes using her teeth, and apparently nobody ever told her that shit can hurt. If biting my lip and stretching it like a recoiled rubber band is supposed to be sexy, then count me out. It feels like you’re trying to eat me piece by piece, and I don’t mess around with cannibals. This one is frequently into ear play, as well. You trying to bite a lobe is not a turn-on, and all I can think about is how heavily I can hear you breathing. Feeling you exhale hot air into my ear is tantamount to a wet-willy, and it needs to stop.
The Dead Fish
Feels similar to the Slow Burn, but for entirely opposite reasons. Whereas the former is going slowly due to a misplaced sense of passion, the Dead Fish is just a non-participant. Clearly disinterested, this girl ends up fading out of the moment pretty quickly to simply stand there agape like some slack-jawed stargazer. Almost always has her eyes wide open, searching for some get-out-of-jail-free card to escape this mouth-maligned torture. Do yourselves both a favor and walk away for something else.
Fingers on your face for days. Much like Selena Gomez, she can’t keep her hands to herself. Feeling the need to literally direct your face into her face, she ends up accidentally poking your eyes or tugging your hair. With both hands on your cheeks like Sandler with a fat kid, it can be a real struggle to come up for air every once in a while without completely pulling away..