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The 5th of July: Successfully Navigating Your Independence Day Hangover At Work

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It’s America’s Birthday. You’re going to celebrate the holiday like it was intended to be celebrated. Breakfast brews, middling with various grilled meats, capping it all off with dangerous fireworks and consumption into oblivion. It’s not your fault that the 4th of July falls on a Tuesday this year. Maybe you’ll call out of work on Wednesday. To be honest, that’s probably your best bet if you did Independence Day correctly. However, some of you are either ignorant troopers, or you are all out of sick days and will be immediately terminated for not showing up. For you unfortunate souls, I’d like to offer a few tips from a veteran hangover conquistador.
Throw up

You’ve just got to bite the bullet and do it. You will immediately feel nominally better. Some of you are boot and rally kings, and puking is just a routine part of drinking. This should be easy for you. Others dread the process of violently emptying your stomach. I recommend drinking some water first to help lubricate the process and ease dry heaves. Even if you don’t feel like you have any cookies to toss, give it your best effort. Think of it as hitting the reset button on some of the internal damage you did yesterday. As you watch a barrage of colors flying fourth, try not to beat yourself up about the number of shots you thought you could do. Instead focus on the now and the task at hand: surviving this terrible day.
Hydrate and Medicate

I know this sounds like common sense, but I’ve seen a lot of rookies go straight for the coffee to help shake it off. Usually that will kick you right back to step one. Everyone has their own preferred method of hydration. I’ve heard of everything from Pedialyte to specifically Lemon-Lime Gatorade. It really doesn’t matter. Water will work just as well. Most of the adverse symptoms you are feeling stem directly from dehydration. Always have 2 bottles of water and a giant bottle of Tylenol Extra Strength in your nightstand. There is a good chance you will still be a little drunk when you are violently ripped from sleep by the loudest alarm you’ve ever heard. The faster you can start hydrating, the faster your motor skills will return to normal.

Some of you aren’t morning shower guys. You are today. This has a twofold effect. First, you will wash off the Hornito’s, Coors, and brauts that you’ve been sweating through every pore on your body all night long. If you roll right out of bed and head into work, your symphony of smells will betray you almost as fast as the crusted mustard stain on your forearm will. Second, a hot shower opens up your pores and relaxes your muscles. When you are hungover, it feels like a warm blanket and is a great way to begin the transition into the world of the living. It’s also a great place to throw up again.

Come up with a Plan

Depending on the kind of hangover you have, this will look different. But I have to assume it’s going to be a real banger so come up with a game plan to get you through this nightmare. Buy enough bottles of whatever to continue to hydrate all day. Have a designated puke spot. If you need to heave, you probably don’t want to do it where your coworkers can see or hear you being a disgrace to the business. Personally, I like to throw up in the alley behind my building. Avoid brightly lit room and loud spaces at all costs. Do what you can to keep interaction with others to a minimum. Keep your head down, finish whatever needs to get done and survive the end of the day without embarrassing yourself.
Nut Up

No one wants to be at work when you feel like every part of your body has come together to destroy you from the inside out. We’ve all had to deal with a co-worker who makes a huge deal about how hungover they are. They slump through the door in sunglasses and moan “OMG I swear I drank the bar dry last night. I think I took a million shots. I’m so hungover and I want to die.” Don’t be that guy. Ever. No one gives a single shit about how much you drank or how you feel. There is no sympathy to be found for something you did to yourself, and rightfully so. Be a grown ass man, carry yourself the best you can, and puke in the alley behind the building like an adult.

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Mike Hale

"Just remember, we are all boys grown tall." -Supreme Court Justice Hugo Black

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