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There exist few certainties in life. Your wedge isn’t going to carry 120 yards, girls with more than nine piercings have father issues, and Cleveland-area sports teams will be perennial losers. Outside of these precious few laws of nature, there are not a lot of things that you can take to the proverbial bank. However, one thing that you can bet on is that when a group of semi-professional beer-chugging champions get together such as yourselves, an inevitable competition will ensue to determine who really is the best at pounding the brew. The pinnacle of these competitions, taken to completion, is the beer Olympics.
These multi-event, multi-team tests of character separate the functionally alcoholic from the feebly inebriated. Winning a well-choreographed beer Olympics is a chance for glory and acclaim that only the worthy may possess. I’m here to guide you through the process of drafting a team that will take you to the height of beer bragging rights, and then some.
This guy has an unexplainable knack for getting the lucky bounce in flip cup, sinking every shot in quarters, and sniping the final cup in beer pong every time. His arcs always seem effortless, his form easy, and his skills uncanny. He’s usually a bit of a showboat, but it’s hard to argue with him as he stacks up win after win. The issue with this guy is usually his level of inebriation. The Gamer may have to reach a certain “sweet spot” of drunkenness to unleash his true potential. Not enough and he’s overthinking; too much and his coordination is out the window. Keep tabs on how much he consumes to make sure your golden boy stays golden in the clutch.
This member of your team knows your matchups, the rules to every game, and how to maximize your odds of winning without getting caught. He sets your lineup for the boat race, subs in for the perfectly-timed celeb shot, and makes sure your team stays hydrated and snack-filled for the next round. A consummate motivator, he pushes each member to drink smarter, faster, and longer. Underrated but necessary for any team aspiring to take home the trophy.
For whatever reason, this is The Rookie’s first time in the big leagues. Sure, he’s had a few beers before, and yeah, he might know his way around a Solo cup, but let’s be honest: this guy is untested. In order to make it though a grueling competition like the beer Olympics, stamina is key, and you’re not sure he’s got the fortitude to make it through. However, the upside to The Rookie is that the pressure of performing may push him to achieve true greatness. With tremendous challenge comes tremendous opportunity. With luck, The Rookie will be so eager to prove himself that he will outperform some of your more veteran drinkers, turning this relative wildcard into a critical component. Just make sure to draft this one wisely, and check out the scouting report before committing to the call-up.
The Psychologist has the mouth of a sailor and the intelligence of a con-man. Crazy manipulative, he can bed girls way out of this league using only his words and his wit. When he’s not using his silver-tongued charm on anything with a vagina, he’s also a world-class shit-talker. When thrown into competition, The Psychologist will win for your team the mental game. He’ll provide enough confidence for all of you to go into any round as the predetermined favorites based on reputation alone. Your opponents will be so in their own heads that they’ll start missing shots, dropping beers, and over-rotating their cups so frequently that they’ll lose focus by merely being in your presence. In addition to providing the mental edge, this guy can usually round up a few hotties to act as team cheerleaders while you cruise through the competition.
This tub of a man is the anchor of your team. Usually not fantastic at the skill games, the simple fact of the matter is that this guy can pound beers, and pound beers quickly. Known for frequent belching and a perfectly-sculpted dad bod, it seems as though his digestive system is one long beer bong. This guy is put last to drink in all chugging events and usually winds up with the most to drink after all the other members of your team pussed out on finishing their share of the boot. What he lacks in finesse, he makes up for in raw talent, and a well-picked Tank can do wonders to cover up the weak stomachs in your lineup. Absolutely critical to any team looking to take home the trophy.
Gathering together a caliber crew of these five athletes is a tall order, and it takes a lot of trial and error to find the right chemistry and balance to shape a bunch of casual drinkers into a well-oiled winning machine. But once you find that perfect lineup, be prepared to harness victory and ride your way straight into the record books. Finally, something you can be proud of..