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The 5 Friends You Need To Help You Dominate Your Summer Internship

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You, Your Internship, and Your Inner Savage

Assuming you’re smart enough to spend your summer at an established company, rather than a start-up that won’t exist in 6 months, there are going to be other interns around. It doesn’t really matter if they’re goobers or not, because they’re the only people your age that you’ll be interacting with. If you really wanted to, you could make it through the summer as a lone wolf — waking up, going to work, going home, and jerking off until you go to sleep — I’m not here to judge. To really make the most of your summer professionally and socially, you’ll need to tap into the other interns and their respective skills as they relate to you. Let’s meet the team.

The Local
Where He Helps: Social Life

This is the one case where the guy needs to not be a total goober. Assuming he has a social life to begin with, he will be your biggest asset for breaking out into the social scene if you’re not from the area. His history with the city, either as a born-and-raised local or a student at a nearby college, gives him the upper hand in knowing where to go to have a good time on the weekends. Milk him, and his night-life knowledge, for all he’s worth. Let him show you the good spots with the hottest girls, and when you get bored of the same old routine, dump his ass and hit the city with all the new friends you’ve made.

The Brown-Noser
Where He Helps: Professional Relations

His life motto is “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know.” Unconcerned with learning any applicable career skills and entirely concerned with whether or not people like him, Brownie is just running around doing the bidding of the most influential asses he can burrow his head into. You’ll want to come away from this summer with one solid letter of recommendation, so choose a big-wig you want to schmooze and tag along with Brownie whenever he’s doing something for your guy. Brownie will do most of the work, but showing your face and doing the bare minimum on top of his over-achieving will solidify your reputation of good work and great reliability.

The Legacy
Where He Helps: Networking Opportunities

Daddy made a few calls to get Junior the position. He probably could’ve gotten it on his own merit, but he’s not really sure how to do anything without the help of good ol’ Pops. He does decent work, and his dad’s friends are always eager to get to know Junior and see how the next generation is coming along. Junior should be your right hand this summer. Getting in good with him will be your ticket to all of the (free) boring business dinners and happy hours where you can drink to your liver’s content without spending a dime (very important if you’re an unpaid plebian) and network with folks way more powerful than the schmucks whose asses Brownie is still kissing by working until 8 every night.

The In Too Deep
Where He Helps: Professional Reputaion

In Too Deep straight up doesn’t belong. He doesn’t know what he’s doing and he’s awful at communicating with his superiors, but he must be somewhat intelligent if he’s still in school somewhere. In short, he might be book smart but he sure as hell isn’t street smart. It’s a miracle he got the job and in all likelihood he was only hired so the office could start a pool on when exactly he quits or gets fired. Being his friend gives you an upper hand in the pool, but the real benefit from him comes from working with him. Since In Too Deep is the absolute bottom tier of interns, your work will shine in comparison to his. Get on as many projects with him as you can, but not so many that the higher ups will actually start to trust you with difficult work. If that happens, make sure you’ve got our next friend in your arsenal.

The Prodigy
Where He Helps: Professional “Development”

The polar opposite of In Too Deep, the Prodigy is one gifted son of a bitch. With all the know-how and instinct of a full-timer, the entire office has seemed to forget that he’s still just an intern. By the end of the summer, the managers are going to be sucking him off, begging him to drop out of school and come work for them. Be wary of getting too close to the Prodigy, lest the office think you’re equally as capable by association. One thing you can gain from him is knowledge. But not anything too in depth. Just some extra tips and tricks so you can keep up appearances of progressing and learning in your career field and get good reviews at the end of the summer. If you’re really into it, you could even attempt to remember some of the things he teaches you and develop your professional skills. That’s the point of your summer internship, to learn things. Right?

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Not So Sweetheart

The most rational, reasonable, and riotous girl you'll ever meet.

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