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The 5 Best Shits, Ranked

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Unless you’re Scarlett Johansson (sup?), everybody poops. And I’ll just come right out and say it: It’s a certified doubled-edged sword of a bodily function. Anyone who’s ever made the shart-inducing mistake of wolfing down $5 worth of Taco Bell during the day can attest to that.

But like all double-edged swords, there’s a satisfying side to pooping, too. I’m talking about those cathartic, soul-cleansing poops that give you hope for a better tomorrow. And since we could all use some good vibes right now, let’s take some time to focus on those feel-good poops, fam.

5. The Post-Coffee Poop

Nothing gives you the motivation to tackle your day quite like dropping a deuce after downing a cup or two of coffee. It’s all about expelling that negative energy from your body. Clear bowels, full heart, can’t lose.

You think Steve Jobs invented the iPhone by taking all his shits in the afternoon? No fucking way. He was mainlining Starbucks’ finest brew before white-knuckling the porcelain throne and squeezing out million-dollar dumps by 9:30 a.m. like a grown-ass man. Because coffee poops are the poops of winners.

4. The Buzzed Poop

If you’ve never experienced the whimsical sensation of a buzzed poop, you haven’t lived, friend. Let me set the scene: It’s early afternoon and you’re a few beers deep. You dip into the bathroom right quick for some toilet time. It’s not like you really needed to go per se. You’re more so just launching an exploratory committee in case the opportunity presents itself.

The next thing you know, your legs are swinging like a giddy school boy as you realize how many more hours of drinking you have left in front of you. You may even sing yourself a catchy tune or recite Al Pacino’s Inch by Inch speech from Any Given Sunday.

In the midst of your merriment, you let out a flew ploppers. Sure, they may not be the most triumphant-looking turds of all time, but it’s that tingly tipsy sensation you’re feeling inside that makes them so satisfying.

3. The Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Poop

Granted, this one only comes once and year, but goddamn, if it isn’t one of the best holiday feelings in the world. Whether you’re trying to clear yourself out for more of Mom’s homemade (store-bought) stuffing or calming the internal storms in preparation for a solid nap, the post-Thanksgiving dinner poop is more like Christmas morning for your insides.

However, there is an unfortunate caveat to the Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Poop: green bean casserole. If you made the mistake of laying waste to multiple helpings of green bean casserole before your PTD Poop, be prepared for a messy and unfulfilling bowel movement that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Because inside the hallowed bowl of that toilet, it’s about to get nastier than the D-Day invasion scene from Saving Private Ryan.

2. The Post-Date Poop

Stifling your farts during a night out with that special smokeshow is an internal game of cat-and-mouse that most of us have become all too familiar with by now. Depending on how long your date is, you could be letting those bad boys brew for hours upon hours. Let them brew long enough, and you’ll have a full-on shit-uation on your hands.

After barely making it past second base and spending way too much on Applebee’s apps, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as making it back to your pad, dimming the lights, skipping right past the foreplay, and pooping to your heart’s content.

1. The Handicapped Stall Poop

I don’t care if you’re a 9-5 cube monkey or the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, everyone’s a king once they step foot inside a handicapped stall. With the square footage of your freshman year dorm room, the Handicapped Stall Poop separates the men from the boys.

A handicapped stall makes you feel comfortable. A handicapped stall makes you feel safe. A handicapped stall pooper doesn’t fuck with the crammed, plebeian stalls that the betas use, because a handicapped stall pooper isn’t afraid to treat himself. You only get one life, pal, so you best make it count.

Image via Shutterstock

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