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The 4 Alums You’ll Meet At Tailgate

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The Pederast


The alum that shows up to your tailgate completely hell-bent on performing some hot bouncy-bounce with your partner sorority’s babies. When he took the job, your Tailgate Chair had no idea that putting Chris Hansen’s cell phone on speed dial was one of his duties. A

Don’t hold it against him, though. Real estate prices have a slower diminution in value than women’s looks once they leave undergrad. That’s just science. Let him do his thing, and try not to pass judgment.

The Gargoyle


Glory Days


“See, back in MY day…”

Back in your day, no one cared about your stories either.

Married…with Children

Seeing your pledge trainer at Homecoming accompanied by his wife and kids is the most depressing thing in the world. It defines heart-breaking.

The lesson, as always: never graduate.

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