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The 2017 Wife Mock Draft

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Lauren Mitchell

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School: University of Virginia
Hometown: Charleston, SC
House: Middle Tier
Major: History
GPA: 4.0
Hair color: Brown
Height: 5′6
Weight: 125 lbs.
Cup Size: Full C (firm but pliable)

– Headed to law school at UVA after graduation.
– All-ACC volleyball player. Tremendous athletic genes.
– A caboose that does not quit. Incredible figure.
– Her smile will blind you if you stare directly at it.

– Jealous ex-boyfriend in the picture. Thing is, the dude cheated on her. What a fucking idiot.
– She actually poops.

Projected: First overall

Outlook: Have at her, fellas. She’s a superstar. She is going to end up marrying a PGA Tour pro or a fucking Saudi oil prince. Not that she’s a gold digger or a cleat chaser, she’s going to be snatched up by a high pedigree mate as soon as she hits the market. Move hard, move fast, once she has her claws in you, there’ll be no turning back. Buy, buy, buy.

All images via Shutterstock

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The Champions Tour is a writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. If you don't know who he is, just ask your older sister about him.

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