The deals are flowing in on deadline day here at State. Which brothers and pledges are on the move? This is your one-stop shop for all the action across IFC.
Delta Sig Lands Homecoming Queen Sweetheart
Delta Sigma Phi acquires: Skylar Miller.
Sigma Alpha Epsilon acquires: The expiring contracts of Benjamin King, Alex White, and Dominic Wind.
Really an act of desperation from both ends. On the cusp of being unrecognized as an organization after a fourth straight semester with a collective GPA under the university’s mandated requirement, SAE had no choice but to pull the trigger and get some academic heavy hitters in-house. All three — King, White, and Wind — bring impressive 4.0s that will bolster the fraternity’s grades just ever so slightly enough to avoid getting the boot off campus. However, SAE will still be subjected to some form of probation in the fall, and the “Three Wise Men” are social cancers that have altogether touched one single boob total during their four years at State; a T.A. accidentally brushed up against White sophomore year while handing back papers. Fortunately, they’ll only have to hide these goobs for another two months or so, as they’re all scheduled to graduate — on time, of course — in May.
In exchange, Delta Sig brings in former “Miss Teen California,” university homecoming queen, Zeta Tau Alpha, and all-around sexpot, Skylar Miller, as the fraternity’s sweetheart. The move allows them to mention her in the same breath as their bottom-tier organization and guarantees her photo will appear on the composite, but does not entail she actually step foot in the glorified crack den that is their off-campus house. She definitely won’t.
No real winners here.
Sigma Pi Swaps Spring Pledge Classes With Pi Kapp
Sigma Pi acquires: Pi Kapp’s “worst pledge class of all-time.”
Pi Kappa Phi acquires: Sigma Pi’s “worst pledge class of all-time.”
With the school investigating both fraternities for alleged hazing incidents, the two executive boards decided to get ahead of the university’s probe and make an unprecedented decision, trading what they both call their “worst pledge class ever.” This comes after both initiated new members in the fall that they called “the worst pledge class ever.” No word if there’s any connection.
The proactive move will hopefully sweep the accusations of “Pledge Bowling” and “Pledge Rodeo” under the proverbial rug, respectively. No harm, no foul.
For former Pi Kapp pledges, this has to sting. Not just their freshly branded ass-cheeks, either. Sure, they’re now forever marked with the crest of the brotherhood that wanted no part of them, and, for most, it has become an area of serious infection, but that pales in comparison to the harsh realization that Sigma Pi doesn’t have a house. They’re still in the market after an exploding hoverboard started the “Great Greek Fire of 2015.”
KA Reclaims Cannon, Sigma Nu Avoids Humiliation
Kappa Alpha Order acquires: decorative cannon.
Sigma Nu acquires: classified photos.
Much speculation to be had about what exactly those classified photos were. Inside sources are saying Sigma Nu’s president, Jamie Callahan, had some less than flattering, full body dick pics floating around — his jacked up face with a giant shit-eating grin included. It checks out, as Callahan’s former fling is now dating KA social chair Wes McCoy — a cutthroat individual who pocketed a percentage of his childhood neighbor’s thriving lemonade stand after threatening to report the toddler to the local business bureau.
The Order finally repossess their much maligned and infamous front yard decor after former President and alcoholic, Kenny Thompson, traded it away to Sigma Nu five years ago for a half eaten McChicken and small fry during an IFC retreat.
Kappa Sigma Parts Ways With Coveted Tailgate Spot
Kappa Sigma acquires: valuable resources and a dominant influence on campus for an upcoming student government election.
Alpha Tau Omega acquires: coveted tailgate spot.
A power hungry Kappa Sigma is all-in with the upcoming student body presidential ballot, locking down a significant ally in ATO which heads the secret university political society known as “The Engine” who have not lost an election since 1890. Rather, Kappa Sigma’s president and SGA nominee, Montgomery Bullsworth III, has made an executive decision to sacrifice this prime real estate on the quad, where the chapter has tailgated the last 50 years, much to the disdain of his fellow brothers. This could get ugly.
Update: Kappa Sigma is calling for the impeachment of Bullsworth. They have already ransacked his room, making away with four bottles of Johnnie Walker Blue, a box of hand rolled Cuban cigars made specifically for Fidel Castro, and are holding his signed Ronald Reagan “Knute Rockne All American” framed poster hostage. Seems we’re at a standoff.
Update 2: Bullsworth has resigned from Kappa Sigma. He was seen in tears huddled over a curb by the student union, cuddling the Ronald Reagan poster. Not the best look for an SGA presidential candidate. ATO will still keep the newly acquired tailgate spot. That first week of football season is going to be electric..