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The 20 Worst Things You Can Do While Playing Madden

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  1. Repeated first half onside kicks. I don’t want the ball at midfield, and if you get it, you can go buzz right off.
  2. Let the computer play pass defense. It’s not that hard to hit a singular button; that’s the point of “playing” the game.
  3. Jump offsides to prevent game-winning field goal attempts. It’s not like we’ll eventually just say, “Oh shit, I guess I have to go for it!”
  4. Pause for insufferably long durations to force a friendly quit. I’ve got shit to do (or at least I’d like to think so).
  5. Offer a friendly quit after falling instantly behind. No, I will not erase my kickoff return touchdown, you fuck.
  6. Edit players to have super speed and/or strength. Save the performance enhancement for the real athletes.
  7. Play any sort of music through your microphone while online. I hate playing on mute, but not as much as I hate your Twenty One Pilots album.
  8. Have a microphone. We’re adults now, I don’t know if it’s even legal to be swearing at and threatening pre-teens.
  9. Punt. Punting is admitting defeat, which is NF.
  10. Kick extra points. This is a video game, and while I, as a compulsive gambler, understand, the infuriating line-busting quality of the two point conversion (MIKE TOMLIN); it’s great in the digital world.
  11. Run the play clock down past 20 seconds. If it takes you longer to call a play than masturbate, you’re doing it wrong — both things.
  12. Milk the clock late. The virtual celebration is not an actual Lombardi trophy. Act accordingly.
  13. Take a knee. Pull the Ted Cruz yard sign out of your rectum and enjoy life a little bit, you fucking pansy.
  14. Don’t ever lose a game with timeouts remaining. Like the late, great Dennis Green said: “YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME.” Doesn’t matter the score; giving up? NF.
  15. Play as the Patriots, Broncos (2015/16 version), Seahawks, or Panthers. The challenge is way more fun with worse teams. Plus who doesn’t enjoy piloting RGIII to a stellar performance?
  16. Fake a field goal. It will never work. Not ever. Trust me. Your backup QB holder apparently has cerebral palsy or a severe case of osteoporosis, because he needs a forklift to stand the fuck up and throw.
  17. Create your own player or coach. You’re essentially proclaiming your loneliness to the entire world. Which, frankly, amongst gamers, might make you fit in better… But that’s not the crowd you’re going for I don’t think. I hope not, at least.
  18. Create your own playbook. See #17. Aside from adding the occasional outrageous option or trick play designed solely to frustrate and confuse your opponent. TFM.
  19. Play for free. Always gamble on Madden. That way, you’re spending your time productively, and your late night weed-induced binge gaming is just “practice.”
  20. Play quarters defense. Yes, I know you can stop the pass. You also will give up an 8-yard run every play. Please don’t make me take 12 plays to score on the ground. Please.

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Siblings of Mark Wahlberg

Sorry Mom & Dad. Follow me to prevent my suicide: @SiblingsOfTFM

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