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The 12 Stages Of A Breakup

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Breakups are so hard. The only person who likes them is Drake, because he’s become a multimillionaire from rapping about his exes. But for the rest of those who don’t know Lil Wayne or Nicki Minaj personally and can’t spit that hot fire, breakups suck. Going through a breakup is like going through a death, because a big part of your life just died. And it’s the part that sucks your dick, which makes it harder.

When you read between the lines and pay very close attention, you’ll realize that every damn breakup is exactly the same. And you’re probably reading this and thinking, no, Wally, not my breakup. My breakup was really unique. My girlfriend cheated on me and fucked Channing Tatum, and then she murdered my grandmother with a plastic spork on Christmas Eve! I don’t care. You still went through the same basic process as everyone else. Also, Channing Tatum has fucked ALL of our girlfriends. Get over it, asshole.

As a self-proclaimed relationship expert, I’ve laid out every step to this painful process. Here are the different stages of a breakup. This is completely universal and there are absolutely NO exceptions.

1. Denial.

You think you’ll get back together soon. I mean yeah you will download Tinder and hope you can get lost in some random pink cave, but you’re still holding your breath.

2. Anger.

You’re furious. If she dumped you, you’re furious at her for leaving you. If you dumped her, you’re furious at yourself for already forgetting her name.

3. Depression

You miss her. You wish you could see her again. Cuddle with her, fart and blame it on the dog (and if there’s no dog in the room, blame Joey Fatone. I don’t know why, but it works).

4. Write a song about her.

You decide to use music as therapy. You write a song about the breakup. Maybe it’s acoustic rock, maybe it’s a rap, or maybe the instrument is just the sound of hitting your hard dick against the table. Either way, the lyrics are poetic.

5. Get the song on the radio.

The song becomes a mainstream hit, constantly playing on radio stations, streaming services, and the iPods of annoying 7th grade emo kids.

6. Become a famous, multimillionaire musician.

The song blew up HUGE and now you’re raking in the dough. You’re drowning in money and pussy, laughing about what a dumbass your ex is.

7. Expand your brand until you’re a billionaire.

Use your fame to branch out your career. Star in movies, write novels, have your own talk show, become the new host of Blue’s Clues (WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE US, STEVE!!!). Make your own pornos, become a politician, have your own shoe line. Do fucking everything and become a billionaire.

8. Waste all your money on drugs and gambling.

You go to Vegas for a summer and blow all your wealth. Get the most expensive hookers available, drink every single bar dry, and lose all your money gambling in casinos, like a true champ.

9. Become homeless.

Now your bank account is in the negatives. You have nowhere to live. Every day is a struggle for survival. You start sucking dick for money. You realize you actually like sucking dick so you start doing it for free.

10. Take a shower and get a job.

You get back on your feet! You clean yourself up, get yourself a good job, get a little apartment and you’re doing well.

11. You try to make a music comeback but you flop.

You’re washed up now; just admit it. America has moved on.

12. Get a new girlfriend.

She dumps you when she finds out you used to be a cocksucking hobo. The whole process starts over again.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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