From The Monroe Doctrine to the moon landing, here are the proudest moments of America flexing its bulbous nards.
12. Dominating The Olympics
We’ve got over twice as many gold medals as the second winningest country (not even gonna bother looking up who that is).
11. The Panama Canal
We paid foreigners next to nothing so a bunch of them (about 5,600) could die while digging us a hole and we could more easily sell our products to the rest of the world. Also, we picked up the shovel (metaphorically, of course) after France tried to build the canal and failed miserably (suck it).
10. The Moon Landing
Would you look at that? The commies managed to launch a tinker toy they call Sputnik into orbit. That’s cute. But how about we put a motherfucking human being on a motherfucking celestial body so he can drive the star-spangled banner into its surface? One small step for man, one giant middle finger to the rest of mankind.
Reagan wasn’t going to give those commies a single inch – a policy he maintained until the Berlin Wall came crumbling to the ground.
8. The Cuban Missile Crisis
Kennedy effectively cock-blocked the Soviets from supplying ballistic missiles to Cuba by deploying a blockade of America’s finest watercraft, preventing the start of WWIII in the process (which would’ve been in the bag, too, to be honest).
7. Dropping Nukes On Nagasaki and Hiroshima
We ended a six-year war with four years of involvement and 30 kilotons of nuclear freedom. Sorry not sorry, Japan. Even that cuck Obama won’t apologize for it.
6. The Louisiana Purchase
Scooping half a continent for a cool price of $15 million? No one else in the history of the universe has struck a deal that sweet.
Coming into WWI at the tail end and still taking all the credit… you gotta respect it.
4. Declaring Ourselves World Champs For Winning Leagues That Only American Teams Compete In
The redcoats over at the Guardian can’t deal:
I guess Canadians don’t count? That’s downright nationalist if you ask me. Sounds like somebody’s still salty about…
3. The Revolution
The power play that started it all. You’re going to make a bunch of rich dudes pay taxes? Not gonna happen, King Georgie. Here’s a declaration signed by all of us telling you exactly how things are going to go down over here in America (hint: you’re not involved). Don’t like it? Go ahead, send those redcoats to die standing in formation while we pick them off from behind trees and bushes and shit, guerilla style. This land is our land, bitch.
2. The Monroe Doctrine
In 1823, Prezzy James Monroe had a message for European countries looking to interfere with states in North and South America: fuck right off. Monroe believed that the Old World and the New World should maintain separate spheres of influence, which is a roundabout way of saying, “Dibs on exploiting the resources of poor nations on this half of the earth, you European cunts. Good luck in Africa.”
1. The Civil War
Of all the conflicts we’ve been in, our deadliest war was the one where we fought ourselves..
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