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Must we always be reprimanded for our insensitivity towards some sports and reminded to respect the athletes around us, just because they, apparently, have some innate skill we lack? Some guys compete in real sports and deserve their acclaim, but let’s cut the BS and stop jacking off athletes just because they’re athletes. I don’t see why Robel the Whale deserves a pass, just because someone slipped his fat ass into the Olympics. Some sports and activities are just plain homoerotic, bush league, or unwatchable. Let’s take a look at the ten least manly sports.
10. Men’s Synchronized Diving
In practice, synchronized diving isn’t that bad. It’s among the tougher Olympic sports to perfect, and it’s almost watchable, given that you’re closing in on blackout. The worst part of synchronized diving is the post-dive shot of the two guys snapping their Speedos and climbing into an empty hot tub, arm in arm, not a beer in sight. It’s not gay if there’s beer involved and I spy no beer.
9. Air Hockey
I wish I could play this damn game in a someone’s game room without facing the self-proclaimed world champ. People take this inane game too seriously. I hate going up against someone who feels compelled to fire the puck at Gerrit Cole speed, with half the shots either end up on the floor or knocking over drinks.
8, 7 TIE. Studio Wrestling/UFC fans
According to a new study that I just made up, cargo shorts sales increase 73 percent around the country during the week of Wrestlemania. The face of the organization wears jorts down to his calves. Never mind that it’s fake, you need half the world’s drugs in your system to even find the storylines remotely palatable.
MMA is a pretty frat sport to participate in and even better to bet on/watch. But the fans qualify the sport as among this list’s worst activities. Congress should turn its attention away from limiting gun sales to terrorists and, instead, focus on banning Tapout/Affliction sales to guys in the sixteen to twenty-five age demographic.
6. Boogie Boarding
The only acceptable use of a boogie board is to hold your drink in a pool. If you take one to the beach, or worse, buy one at the beach, kindly punch yourself in the face.
5. Men’s Gymnastics
My bartender friend summed up the allure and subsequent revulsion of male gymnasts. She admitted that most of the athletes have appeal (face it, you have to be incredible shape to pull that shit off) but, they’re still gymnasts. And, despite being shredded, Olympic athletes, the effeminate connotations of gymnastics are just insurmountable. Who invests that much time lifting and training just to be a gymnast? I guarantee, in the off-season, these guys are making parkour videos to songs off of the old Tony Hawk soundtracks.
Three steps and you have to pass. You can’t go near the goalie. The ball is softer than the sport itself. What’s the point of this sport? It’s just ass-backwards soccer with more scoring.
3. Men’s Soccer
Though the repulsion of soccer has been beaten to death, I still can’t overemphasize how terrible the ebb and flow of professional soccer is. There’s little to no scoring and very few heroes. Then, there’s the diving. Soccer players go down easier than a sorority’s “member in training” after spring formal. Unless Scott Sterling is in net, you won’t catch me watching any brand of men’s soccer, and the same applies to men’s volleyball.
Once upon a time, a couple college-aged kids realized how universally disliked they were on campus and decided to up the ante by bastardizing the beach sport of frisbee, adding an “ultimate” to the beginning, and choking out every square foot of green space to put their sub-par athleticism on full display, laying out for passes that miss their out-stretched finger tips by mere feet. This is not a knock on can-jam, though, which is a respectable and mobile substitute for corn hole.
1. Whatever sport her ex plays
I don’t care if I’m hitting on the ex-girlfriend of Wilton Speight, at the mention of former romantics with an athlete, I’ll pretend even college football is the most insignificant, talent-less sport on the planet.
Case in point, one of our younger brothers was chasing a near-dime blonde with an ass to sail 1,000 ships. Not wanting young Fricarus to fly too close to that beautiful sun, I reminded him that her then current boyfriend was on hockey scholarship at a small college nearby, just for him to retort that playing D-III hockey is about as impressive as participating in a Madden tournament against the rest of your freshman year floormates, but at least those tournaments have a buy-in and require some kind of skill.