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The 10 Instances When Murder Should Be Legal

murderer murder legal

In my humble opinion, every rule and law should have some exceptions. This includes murder. I think every now and then, taking a human life is appropriate. Here are 10 times when that’s the case.

When your Uber driver won’t stop talking

I’m just trying to listen to this Chance the Rapper mixtape on my iPod Mini and google pictures of Ben Affleck crying; please stop blabbering about your non-existent acting career. Just get me to the bar in silence or else we should be legally allowed to shoot you in the chest.

When someone says The Dark Knight was overrated

How. Dare. You. You. God. Damn. Pretentious. Piece. Of. Shit. People don’t just praise Heath Ledger’s performance because he’s dead; they do it because he was goddamn spectacular as The Joker. He makes Jared Leto look like a talentless asshole (okay, that’s a lie; Jared Leto makes Jared Leto look like a talentless asshole). But yeah, hating The Dark Knight doesn’t make you smart or cool. It should make it so that we’re allowed to drown you, though.

When someone says Eminem fell off

Don’t be such a snob. If you didn’t megajizz into your pants 11 times the first time you listened to “Rap God,” you’re a liar and people should legally be allowed to decapitate you with one of J. Cole’s crooked teeth.

When someone says they’re “fluent in sarcasm”

Whoa! You are? Oh my god, you and 40,726 other chicks on any dating website. Your witty little comments are about as funny as a 5-hour documentary about people who got AIDS during the Holocaust. We should be allowed to give you a grenade sandwich with extra mayonnaise.

When the bar is pretty much empty but the bartender is still ignoring you

Come on, man. I’m trying to down multiple shots as soon as possible so I can get inebriated enough to forget about the existence of Jared Leto. Be professional. We should be allowed to stab you in the Adam’s Apple with a screwdriver after 8 minutes.

When someone is walking too slow in front of you in a crowded place

This isn’t a cool scene in an action movie, so don’t fucking walk in slow motion. You’re not Mark Wahlberg casually walking away from an explosion he just caused. Speed the hell up or we should be allowed to beat you to death with one of your shoes.

When someone texts too much in a movie theater

This is a sacred place, sir. I’m trying to enjoy hating Jared Leto and you’re distracting me. Plus, I can see those texts and that girl is not interested. We should be allowed to take the film strip out of the projector and strangle you with it.

When someone says “I don’t need to drink to have fun”

Congratulations! Good for you, you sweet little angel. We appreciate how wholesome and responsible you are, Karen! But we should be allowed to make you drink (rat poison and/or bleach, preferably) if you say that insufferable bullshit.

When you ask someone “what’s up?” and they say “the sky”

… No.

If you ever meet Wally Bryton

He’s the fucking worst.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM’s most beloved writer

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