Football season is underway, albeit preseason, but it’s officially back in action. We all know what that means: Fantasy football is back!
You could make the argument that more people look forward to playing fantasy than watching the real games themselves. The beauty in a good fantasy league is the longevity and built-in camaraderie most have after years of hard-fought competition and ball busting. Each person serves a role within the league and it wouldn’t be the same without them.
These are the people in every fantasy football league:
1. Out of Towner
We all have a friend or two who moved away from the core base of the league participants, thus making the draft complicated. In today’s world, this usually means doing some sort of video streaming unless you’re doing a straight forward online draft – why do things the easy way, though?
I happen to be one of these guys in my league. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a pain in the ass. I end up on someone’s laptop screen getting passed around the room like a whore as I struggle to keep up with the action.
Unfortunately for my league, there is a second out of towner. While I consider myself easy to work with, I hope, the other guy (Hunter) decides to throw a ball against the wall relentlessly in between selections and makes it damn near impossible to hear anything. I have nightmares about that fucking ball bouncing over and over again.
2. The Stats Guru
Everyone has a Matthew Berry/Mel Kiper Jr. wannabe in their league. Fantasy football is basically their career. They start prepping the day after the NFL Draft concludes — wasting their money on magazines, listening to every fantasy football podcast and tweeting profusely at every NFL insider for advice.
Don’t be surprised if they show up at the draft with a color coordinated checklist of players on their wish list. This person will also bring an IPA six-pack that no one has
ever heard of to the draft.
Stats: “Nice pick, if you’re into guys who struggle with the red zone offense in the third quarter on the road.”
3. Drafting for a Team Name
The only preparation they’ve done for the draft is come up with a team name. They are now so set on that team name that they have to draft a certain player to ensure the use of it.
Team Name Loser: “I’ll take Oakland Raiders QB Derek Carr. It’s time to Make AmeriCarr Great Again!”
4. Never Paying Attention
They are too busy swiping away on dating apps to pay attention. Clearly, the league isn’t on the top of their priority list.
Every time their name is called they have to be reminded of who’s been selected already and almost always take up every second of their allotted time. The one highlight will be when they so proudly shout a player’s name who retired years ago in disbelief that they were still available.
5. Steal of the Draft
In this person’s eyes, every single selection they make is the best pick of the draft. They know way more about fantasy football than you; just ask them.
They can be spotted taking a celebratory shot after each pick as a pat on the back. Don’t be surprised if they live tweet each of their picks for the world to see how much smarter they are than the rest of you.
Mr. Steal of the Draft: “I just don’t see how my team can lose a game this season.”
6. Mr. Free Money
Nobody knows why they continue to join the league. They put next to zero effort into preparation and will walk into the draft without a laptop or anything resembling a draft guide.
All picks will be made by whatever the first name is that they see off of a rankings sheet they can barely see from someone sitting around them.
They’ve never won the league and it doesn’t seem to bother them. In fact, I’m pretty sure they don’t even really like football. While they might not give two shits about the draft, they are always sought out at the trade deadline to pick apart. It’s a dog eat dog world out there.
7. Defending Champ
I’m sure we are all starting to get the texts and emails as leagues begin to gather once again proclaiming “the champ is here.” That’s usually when the eyes start rolling and the realization hits you that another season is underway.
Two things buy happiness in this world: money and fantasy football championships. How do I know this? Because it’s impossible to get the shit-eating grin off the face of a person with either. If they have both, God help you.
A fantasy football champion never lets you forget they are the champ. They find a way to slide it into seemingly every conversation.
Not champ: “How’s your new job?”
Champ: “It’s good. I’m just starting to settle in now. It’s been difficult to find office furniture that matches my fantasy football trophy case…”
The commissioner has never even placed in the league before. Years of putting up with everyone’s shit has beaten them down into a shell of their former self.
They rule with a weathered down iron fist after years of abuse. Give credit where credit is due. They are the one who keeps the league going. At the end of every season, they will make an empty threat that they will be stepping down. Just give them a few months of space and they will be renewing the league webpage in no time.
9. New Guy
One person seems to leave the league each year, thus bringing some new blood into the league. Sometimes it’s a friend who has been waiting years for this invite and other times it’s someone’s co-worker who is in for a world of surprise.
They have the impossible task of keeping track of jokes that stem back a good 10 years and scratch their head at the amount of alcohol being consumed.
Friend: “So what’s Tim like around the office?”
Tim’s Co-Worker: “He’s a good guy. Quiet mostly. He’s my sports buddy during our lunch break.”
Friend: “Cool, man… Hey, Tim, you didn’t tell me this was the guy you’ve been tag-teaming girls around the office with.”
Tim: “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
10. Trade Broker
Their draft strategy is geared entirely towards the trade market. They will continue to draft singular positions well past the point of normal capacity as they bank on injuries, legal charges, and mysterious Roger Goodell suspensions to decimate other teams.
They might not find their second running back until the final round but they’ve got five tight ends!
Cheers to another fantasy football season!.
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