The 10 Drinks You’ll Try In College

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Always making sure you finish your drink first. TFM.

1. The Rock Bottom

We’ve all been there. Monday night and the urge to push on consumes us, but your wallet is either empty or missing. Mix two parts shitty beer and the rest of your bottom shelf handle of vodka. Goes best with shame.

2. Sorority Sugar-Glider

The party is hosted by a girl whose parents must have put her in child pageants way past the age of comfort. The mixed drink she offers you is the same sickly bright color as her function shirt. Whatever this shit they’re claiming as PJ is made of, the buzz is most likely from the high-fructose corn syrup. Pour drink into nearest toilet. Go for the bottle on the counter.

3. The Waterboy

Commonly served in bars and often presented as a shot of clear liquor. The douchey bartender gives it to you with a shit-eating grin that could only come from knowing he’s charging you five bucks for watered down Taaka. Give it to someone who won’t know the difference and remember to pregame harder.

4. The Oh Fuck

Encountered mostly during groggy mornings, and consisting of this is definitely not just alcohol. You set it back down on the counter and damn whoever left it there last night to hell, only for the next man to learn that not all fallen soldiers are heroes.

5. The Sugarslut

Similar to the Sorority Sugar Glider, but must be twenty times stronger. Not for consumption by men, but somehow a 711 cup of it got three girls incredibly drunk.

6. The Hands-Off

The hot ass hipster chick from class invites you to her friend’s “party.” The cocky-ass host with a man bun comes over and asks why you could assume you could have one of those beers. He explains that the Lager-Turtle-Shoe-Double-Stouts are twenty bucks a six-pack and he bought them for himself. You proceed to question what real masculinity is and grab an Icehouse.

7. The Fisticuffs

Mix two parts whiskey and one part anger. Sprinkle with confrontation. You’re usually not an asshole, but you’ve had ten of these bastards and God help the poor soul that knocks the next one out of your hands.

8. The College Try

Your mind says yes, but your body’s telling you fuck yes. You’ve slept a solid two hours and the double vision has let up enough for you to pour last night’s liquor into a Gatorade and march with confidence to class. Taste is not an issue, as this is the fuel to your engines as you realize you’ll fail if you don’t show up again.

9. The Side Dish Sipper

Whether you’re meeting your friend’s parents or having dinner with your boss, the torture is too real with this one. They’ve barely touched their beer and you resist the urge to chug the second glass of that frothy nectar of the Gods you ordered so you don’t reveal your casual alcoholism. You give up and get a water.

10. The Sweet Relief

The content of this drink is not of importance; the pure bliss that accompanies this drink is what really matters. You found out you passed all your classes, won three-hundred in poker, and the chick you swear was one of the Instagram Babes Of The Day on TFM texted you to come over for a one-on-one wine and Netflix night. Few and far between, this drink can only be created by fate and kicking ass at life. God bless America.

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Graham. I love America, being an American, and living in America.

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