Your fraternity formal should be nothing less than a worry-free boozefest. Plain and simple. If you aren’t experiencing peace of mind and the blissful body high that accompany it as soon as you step off the bus, you’re not formaling to your full potential. You need to be completely carefree while on this beautiful biannual vacation, enforcing a strict policy of insouciance with regard to all of life’s minor transgressions.
That is, until something really bad inevitably happens (and, despite whatever bologna you might believe about your fraternity not being “your typical frat bros,” something awful will happen). Once you reach that point, you’ll need to quickly decide just how awful of an occurrence whatever just happened is. Is it worth ruining your formal over?
No? – Good, keep taking body shots from your pledge brother’s b-hole and let Pledge Mickey find his own bag of ice in which to stick his severed pinky toe.
Yes? – Ugh. Quit partying for a little bit and be a real, helpful human being for a short while until whatever problem arises gets resolved.
The latter happened to me once. My boy Goofy Greg got dabbed out on the bus ride in, got a bad case of the munchies, and mistook his date’s gummy vitamins for gummy bears. Dude housed the whole bottle, then started seizing up and foaming at the mouth. Lucky for him, I was there, and I know how to save lives. Unlucky for him, I learned everything I know about saving lives from The Fray’s song “How to Save a Life,” so I wasn’t much help.
Greg’s date: “Jared, do something!!!”
Me: “Okay, okay. Think, Jared, think… “Step one, you say we need to talk…” We need to talk, Greg.
But this column isn’t about all that; it’s about the series of events before it (and after, depending on whether or not someone gets severely injured — and, even then, how severely).
Previously, I’ve given out some advice on what to do if the first six girls you ask to formal all say no. Now, I’m here to help you out given a more realistic scenario: You’re single and haven’t asked a girl to formal yet.
There is one simple rule that will make your formal experience 100x better, and it is called the “0 or 100 rule.” It’s quite simple: You bring a girl to formal who you think there is either a 0% chance you’re going to hook up with or a 100% chance you’re going to hook up with. Those are the only two options you should be considering — the 0% girl (a friend) or the 100% girl (a girlfriend or consistent hookup). Why? Hear me out.
Like I babbled on about earlier, you don’t want to be worrying about anything at formal. Nothing. The ideal formal situation is a clear mind to match your date’s disgusting clear liquor. And what’s a humongous, annoying, unnecessarily looming worry you’re going to have if you don’t bring a 0% or 100% girl? Not knowing whether or not you’re going to end up hooking up with your date. You should be making memories with your boys at formal, not wasting time vomiting pointless small talk all over your pledge brother Poopdollar’s girlfriend’s sorority sister who Poopdollar thinks you should try to get with or trying to figure out a sly way of finally smooching that girl you sit next to in chem class who you brought because you thought, like an idiot, that formal would be a great first date spot. Save that shit for the bars.
The other benefit to bringing a 0% or 100% girl? You don’t need to impress either one. One of them might not end up fruitlessly attempting to cure your whiskey dick come bedtime, but what’s one thing a 0% girl and 100% girl do have in common? They have both probably already accepted you for who you are, too — a drunk idiot who wants to get hammered with his friends whom they’re either going to let pass out wherever he falls or with whom they’re going to be sharing a bed with at the end of the night. See? This rule makes formal more carefree for the ladies, too. The 0 or 100 rule: for her pleasure.
It’s important to remember that the 0% and 100% ratings are applied by the formal inviter, and might not necessarily reflect the wishes of the formal invitee. Think that friend you think is a 0%? Maybe she’s been wanting to jump your bones for a while now. Think the chick you’ve been hooking up with all semester is a 100%? Maybe you vomiting in her lap on the bus was the final straw and the only action you’re getting at formal is from Pamela Handerson in the bathroom after everyone falls asleep. Think of the 0 or 100 rule more as a guideline when it comes to who you should ask to formal, not as a strict ruling regarding how to act once you’re there.
Well, there you have it. Now formal season is upon us, so get out there, find your 0 or your 100, put your BAC somewhere between those two numbers, and enjoy the fuck out of your low-pressure life..