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It’s been 210 days since the first pitch of the 2012 American Pastime was thrown in Tokyo, Japan. Or, if you’re going by ESPN’s calendar, it’s only 206 days until the Yankees open in 2013!
Talk about your crazy, unpredictable season. Between the Boston clubhouse collapsing under the weight of Bobby Valentine, the Braves folding when the leaves turned gold, and the Rangers failing to capture that ever-elusive World Series title, I barely know which way is up anymore.
And did we ever find out if A-Rod closed with that chick in the stands? THIS IS WHAT THE AVERAGE MALE SPORTS FAN CARES ABOUT.
Honestly, this has been the most memorable season of my lifetime. We witnessed Bryce Harper pave the way for another highly-talented Mormon to become Mr. November this fall. We saw Josh Hamilton cast his personal demons into the arms of opposing pitchers, Exorcist-style. Magic Johnson picked up where he left off from his college days: swinging big, reckless meat around, trading for every bad contract in sight.
On top of ALL THAT, we got to see history, as Miguel Cabrera went from asking cops “do you know who I am?” to becoming the first Triple Crown winner in 45 years.
It was a season of joyful hellos, like a 21-year old rookie MVP candidate doing his best Mickey Mantle impression in the Angels outfield, and of tearful goodbyes.
See you in Cooperstown, Chipper.
But while the groundskeepers in Atlanta are STILL picking bottles off of the field, there remains some ball to be played in two of America’s most storied baseball cities, as the San Francisco Giants and Detroit Tigers square up in the 108th version of the World Series.
That’s right, boys and girls, yours truly’s favorite team, the Eat Em Up, Bless You Boys, Spirit of ’84 Tigers are World Series Bound! ROAARRR. Suck on that, rest of TFM staff whose focus has inexplicably shifted towards college football. God, I already feel the oncoming jinx looming.
Let’s go to the Tale of the Tape.
This is perhaps the most GDI Fall Classic since the Subway Series of 2000.
Consider it a real life version of the film “2016: Obama’s America.”
On one side, we’ve got a city so far up its ass that it loves the smell of its own flatulence. Anytime I started to think that FOX NEWS was full of shit about the liberal elites ruining America, all I had to do was flip over to some Giants coverage.
What would I see? Fans eating tofu in the bleachers. Brian Wilson covering up his cold sores with a patch of Nancy Pelosi’s lady parts hair. Aubrey Huff getting all up in Ryan Theriot’s backside like, well, insert your own San Francisco joke here.
But while San Francisco might draw perfect analogy to the bold, um, “visions” of the ideal Obamutopia, what we see in their opposition’s city is the reality of the President’s policies: the reality of “change”.
Calling the state of Michigan a “dump” is offensive to sanitation workers, who at least still have jobs. Burned down buildings line streets where Big 3 plants once proudly stood. Anytime Mitt Romney is reminded that he is from Michigan, he punches himself in the groin repeatedly to ease the pain and embarrassment.
The Motor City just locked up the exclusive title of America’s Most Dangerous City for the fourth year running. “Not one, not two, not three”… DYNASTY, BABY!!!
Detroiters (including suburbanites) are drug-addicted retards…and worse, they have voting ballots. Just look at the “hip hop” mayor elected TWICE by these people, currently standing trial for public corruption charges. Things are so bad that there’s currently a mad man hiding along the interstate, shooting random drivers, but at this point, people just chalk it up to the ongoing population loss, and go about their day.
The wretched souls of Michigan were responsible for Madonna at last year’s Super Bowl. These morons deserve this hopeless fate, and they shall receive it soon, when the only sports team they have to watch in a few weeks is the Lions.
Gary Bettman, you are a sick fuck.
Thank God for Mr. Ilitch.
Both AT&T Park and Comerica Park are gems. Phoenixes rising out of the ashes of failed liberalism. While Comerica may have a killer Ferris wheel that offers prime location for a middle-relief handy, there’s just no beating watching a game from a paddle boat on McCovey Cove…and getting a middle-relief handy.
7th INNING STRETCH
I am going to proceed with EXTREME caution, because, once again, everything I love turns to shit.
Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder aren’t the only big bats in this series. Just ask the Cards and Yanks pitching staffs.
While Miggy might have stolen the spotlight, the Giants’ have their own batting champion in Buster Posey, who should take home both NL MVP and Comeback Player of the Year honors. While losing the juiced-up Melky hurts, Posey will get help from Pablo “I stole CC Sabathia’s last donut” Sandoval, as well as Angel Pagan and Hunter Pence, two VASTLY underrated outfielders whom the Giants organization have acquired in the past year.
While the Giants look like a team built for the long-run, the Tigers are a team for the Here-And-Now. They’re a slow, benchless bunch built for a seven-game series rather than a 162-game season. That brings with it a lot of hot streak-dependency, and there’s no telling how those extra days of rest might cool off the Tigers bats.
In the end, the Tigers have the middle of the order power to carry them over the Giants batters, but it’s not as a big of a difference as you might think.
And oh yeah, ALCS MVP Delmon Young will be forced to play the outfield in at least 2 games, because the NL gets its shits and giggles from forcing guys like Barry Zito to aimlessly swing at the ball.
Someone get me a drink.
That’s the Tigers starters’ ERA this postseason. Let me repeat. One point fucking oh two.
Anchored by defending Cy Young and AL MVP Justin Verlander, who has a humble 3-0 record, 0.74 ERA, and 25 strikeouts over 24.3 innings this postseason, this staff is SCARY good, like, Wesleyan Rape Factory good. The number two man, Max Scherzer, finished second in the junior circuit (behind Verlander) in strikeouts, and has a 0.82 ERA this October. The number three and four guys, Doug Fister and Anibal Sanchez, BOTH have a postseason ERA of 1.35.
SanFran ain’t too shabby, either. LOVE me some Bumgarner, and Matty Cain threw himself a nice little perfecto this summer. All-Star Ryan Vogelsong won the hearts of many Roto players this year, and Barry Zito, who gets the ball in Game 1, might have saved the Giants season with his performance in Game 5 of the NLCS.
But still… 1.02… and Verlander.
Move along, nothing to see here, people.
I don’t care about his struggles. Any team with Tim Lincecum lurking in the pen like Mitch Kramer hiding from Ben Affleck scares the living shit out of me.
BIG GIGANTIC FUCKING EDGE: Giants
…Afraid to say anything.