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Hold onto your butts and unload those blue balls you’ve built up since last January, you degenerates. The college football season kicks off tonight as the Michigan Harbaughs travel to Salt Lake City, Utah to take on the team that gave quarterback Alex Smith to the world. To usher in this festive occasion, a few members of the TFM staff laid out their predictions for the upcoming year, in a feature that I like to call, “The Worst, Laziest, Most Slap-Ass, I’m-Too-Hungover-For-This-Shit College Football Prediction Roundtable In The Country.”
J. Parks Caldwell
It’s Ohio State’s world, and we’re all living in it. Better grab your “I H8 Meechigan” shirts
and your tattoo parlor rewards punchcards.
Buckeye fans are the closest thing we in the North have to SEC fans. Rabid arrogance. A very large, very trashy, Walmart-fan section of the fanbase that has a propensity for vandalism and that lives vicariously through a school they never attended. An inexplicable love of the Confederate flag (you’re Yankees!). Ohio State fans are scum, and, worst of all- they know their team is going to shit on yours.
I’m already shaking about my alma mater Michigan State’s November 21 showdown at the Horseshoe. Whatever dignity the fifth-ranked Spartans have left following their pending disappointment with Oregon will be taken out behind the toolshed in Columbus and given the Ol’ Yeller treatment.
I mean, look at the fucking arsenal the defending champion Buckeyes had to play with last year that are returning. Braxton Miller goes down? No problem, they have JT Barrett. Barrett’s ankle gets nuked? That’s cool, they sub in Cardale Jones, he of “I’m a third string quarterback and still just singlehandedly ended the SEC’s evil empire” fame. Oh, and by the way, they also have Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, Michael Thomas spread out wide, and the conference’s top defender in Joey Bosa. What chance does the rest of a pretty strong conference have against Urban’s revolving talent factory? The Midwest hasn’t seen this much systemic repression since the 1967 Detroit riots.
‘Grats on the inevitable repeat, fans of THE Ohio State University. Kick Jim Harbaugh’s awkward ass and please go easy on Connor Cook. He’s a nice young man.
I was a little skeptical at first, but after watching numerous Instagram videos and seeing George Bush running a little offensive coordinator at practice, I am all in on SMU. I’m not just talking AAC championship either, I’m calling for the big boys over at the college football selection committee to put them number one overall. Danny Regs bet me that if SMU makes a bowl, he’s buying my ticket. Looks like he’ll be buying two tickets for me: the first playoff game, and the championship game. I believe in Chad Morris.
As far as individual award predictions go, I’m going to shock people here by saying that Florida State players will probably only hit another 5 people in bars. I know that it seems low, but I didn’t become a college football analyst without doing my research.
While college football does create a fun atmosphere on campus, the actual sport is pretty boring to watch. Very little action and a lot of sitting around waiting for the next play. I prefer supporting our rugby club team.
(Editor’s Note: Goddammit.)
I’m just going to talk about the Wisconsin Badgers here, because no other team is relevant.
This weekend, September 5th, the #Badge roll Alabama 76-1 while I black out on Jerry World hotdogs in the lower level. Fast forward to December 5th and they’re 13-0. Senior Quarterback Joel Stave wins the Heisman. I will have tweeted out my homemade Joel Stave #FreakinBongos touchdown gif 59 times as Stave breaks Colt Brennan’s single-season record for passing tuddies.
— Jared Borislow (@DeVryGuy) September 2, 2015
The Badge beat Bowling Green in the first round of the College Football Playoff. Next up: the treacherous Troy Trojans in the natty. After everybody’s favorite plus-sized kicker, Rafael Gaglianone, tragically breaks his leg during the second-half kickoff, the team is forced to take former kicker Kyle French out of the stands. Even though French was asked not to return to the team after being a 62% career field goal kicker and going 3 of 8 from 40+ yards during his three-year tenure on the Badgers (we didn’t even have a good back up for him; after his dismissal he was replaced on the depth chart by linebacker and future 49er Chris Borland), French suits up and drains the go-ahead field goal near the end of the third quarter. Badger fans are feeling good about their chances. Then, out of nowhere, Duke’s Grayson Allen, who has taken an unexpected break from tweeting out screenshots of him tweeting out bible verses that are over 140 characters in length, suits up for the Trojans and scores 16 points in 21 minutes to win the game. Classic Wisco.
College football is all I have left right now. The Braves are garbage this year and at least next year too, the Rams are on their way to Los Angeles, Mizzou basketball is a shit tornado mouth fucking a dumpster fire, and the Blues are the Blues. If the Missouri Tigers don’t at least compete for the SEC East this year I’ll probably officially stop liking sports. Please, Gary Pinkel, don’t make me take up reading, or hiking, or charity work. I do not want to become a better person. I want to keep liking football.
I do think Missouri finishes at least second in the SEC East this year. And, yeah, we might back our way into Atlanta again. If by some miracle Ole Miss — the only school in the SEC with a propensity for blowing it in big games on par with Mizzou — wins the SEC West, then who knows???
But the reality is probably something more like Alabama beating Georgia and making the college football playoff, where Ohio State will NOT win again (remember how Florida State looked primed to repeat last year too?). TCU wins it all this year, but will be forced to hand over a share of their national championship to Texas — who will claim it proudly — because that’s how the Big XII is set up now. But really, TCU wins and Texas fans, who long have mocked the SEC for S-E-C chants, will be very publicly beaming with Big XII pride (though not enough to warrant making a Big XII Network).
I also feel bad for Arkansas, who would be contending for a national title in any other conference, especially the Big Ten.
See you kids in Athens, Fayetteville, and Columbia (and hopefully Atlanta and a nearby bowl game) this year for my annual “I am single and want to waste all my money on college football road trips” tour.
Everything will come up Regester at the beginning of the season. I’ll slaughter Vegas lines the first few weeks (give SMU all the points you want, Baylor and TCU are covering), rack up a serious bankroll in my offshore accounts, and Justin Holman will fool me into thinking that he has an “NFL-caliber arm” with a biblical beat down of FIU tonight and two surprising last minute wins over Stanford and South Carolina. I’ll be on cloud 9, carelessly throwing larger sums of money on each game and making radical statements like “The committee should give us serious consideration for the college football playoff.” This will be my inevitable demise. I’ll slowly start bleeding all of my winnings, break even at the end of the season, and Holman will have a four pick game on a cold, windy Halloween night in Cincinnati as UCF loses by double digits to the Bearcats. The Knights will finish a disappointing 10-2 after tripping up to East Carolina and will have nothing to show for this once promising campaign but the worst rivalry trophy in all of sports from a blowout win against UConn and a ninety-minute bus ride to the piss-stained turf of Tropicana Field and the St. Pete Bowl, where we no-show against some mediocre ACC team like Virginia Tech.
Playoff predications: Cardale Jones solidifies himself as the greatest college quarterback of all-time, never losing or winning a game by less than two touchdowns.
Ohio State over Missouri
TCU over Arizona State
Ohio State over TCU.
For the first time in my life I’m more excited for the NFL to start than I am for college football. I’m ashamed to admit this about myself because it also means I’m a fair weather guy to a certain degree. When Texas has little hope of putting together a respectable offense, I just can’t get too hyped for the season. Notre Dame’s about to piss all over my face and there’s nothing I can do to stop them.
I’m sure I’ll come around when the sundresses come out and university bands remind me how uniquely awesome college football is, but for now, it’s whatever.
When my team is down, the only real enjoyment I get is watching my least favorite teams lose along with mine. Here’s to OU, A&M and Bama — or just any team who wears a dark shade of red I guess — having less than stellar seasons. Fuck those teams. Fuck I’m a miserable sports fan right now.
Ohio State over everyone because they can’t be stopped.