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TFM News Breaks Down the Kristen Saban Assault Case, Line by Line

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Nick Saban is well known around the SEC, Miami, and Hades as being more or less the embodiment of evil. Apparently when Alabama fans wished for the second coming of Bear Bryant they got drunk, took Bryant’s old hat, buried it in a pet cemetery on a stormy night, and up popped Nick Saban the next morning. Is Saban actually Satan? Probably, yeah. And now that this lawsuit against his daughter has come to light it would appear that Kristen Saban is following closely in her father’s cloven footsteps.

Kristen Saban, a Phi Mu at the University of Alabama, is being charged with assault by a sorority sister and current Post Traumatic Saban Disorder sufferer Sarah Grimes. The assault took place in 2010 after a long night of drinking. The lawsuit is below, and it reads pretty hilariously like any other sorority night out, except for the end part where one girl gets her shit rocked.

Via Busted Coverage

Plaintiff, )
Defendant. )
1. The Plaintiff is over the age of nineteen (19) years; and she is
attending the University of Alabama.
2. The Defendant is over the age of nineteen (19) years; and she is
attending the University of Alabama.
3. In August 2010, Kristen Saban and Sarah Grimes were friends and
sorority sisters.

In Phi Mu at the University of Alabama.

4. On Saturday, August 28, 2010, Kristen Saban, McKinnon
Moultrie, Hannah Muncher, and Meaghan Williams were playing “power hour”
which is a drinking game on YouTube, where you drink every time the song
5. Sarah Grimes arrived around 11:00 pm and began playing “power
6. Around 12:00 a.m., August 29, 2010, Kristen, McKinnon, Hannah,
Meaghan, and Sarah went to the bar called Rounders.

So the night started out like any other, a couple sorority girls downing beers in a power hour, no doubt listening to all the great sorority hits of August 2010.

No seriously, they probably listened to like 90% of the songs on that list. I’m trying to recreate the mood here. So after they were done with their power hour the girls headed out to Rounders, a supposedly moderately popular dance bar on the strip in Tuscaloosa. Clearly these girls wanted to get their dance on, as drunken sorority girls are often wont to do.

6/26/2012 10:39 AM
7. At the bar, the drinking continued and Kristen’s behavior became
more erratic.


8. Kristen had been dating “BV” who was also at Rounder’s that

According to Busted Coverage it’s rumored that BV is Brian Vogler, the 6-7, 258lb tight end from Alabama. As I read this report I couldn’t help but think two things about BV. 1) It would take someone AT LEAST that big to sexually subdue the wildcat that is Kristen Saban and 2) YOU’RE ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM AND BANGING SABAN’S DAUGHTER!?!?! ARE YOU MAD!?!?!

9. Kristen became angry with “BV” because he was not paying
enough attention to her.

So BV was annoyed that he got dragged to a dance bar that he probably didn’t want to be at by a sorority girl who was no doubt obnoxiously drunk? Got it.

10. Kristen, Hannah, and Sarah stayed at the bar until last call when
the lights came on, and Kristen had to sign her tab.
11. The plan was to go back home to freshen up and then go over to a
pledge sister’s house.
12. “BV” was also going, so Kristen wanted to go as well.
13. Kristen drove everyone back home where everyone gathered in the
kitchen and had a snack.

Yeah it was probably not a good idea to let Kristen drive. I think everyone in the car, not just Sarah, should be thankful for their lives right now, because this girl sounds blackout as fuck… AND SHE’S A WOMAN DRIVING! AMIRIGHT? Eh! Eh!

14. Kristen became upset with “BV” again, while talking over the
15. Kristen was lying on the floor next to McKinnon and Hannah
saying how everyone did not understand “how it was” for her and Kristen became

In case it isn’t already abundantly clear, Kristen is a drunken, emotional wreck. If they had been playing power hour with Franzia someone would’ve gotten a white hot curling iron down their throat.

16. After Kristen refused to get off the floor after several people had
tried to help her, Sarah looked over at Kristen and said, “Kristen, please just shut
up. We’re all sick and tired of hearing it.”
17. Kristen jumped up off the floor screaming “No one likes you, you
don’t have any friends” and stormed to her room.

Jesus Christ Sarah, you know this girl, do not poke the drunk, emotionally unstable bear.

18. Sarah was laughing at this point because it was not unusual
behavior for Kristen and made the comment, “You really need therapy.”

In her spare time Sarah also enjoyed laughing in the face of terrorists and death itself.

19. Kristen then screamed at Sarah, “Yeah, because that obviously
worked so well for you!” and then slammed her bedroom door.
20. Everyone in the kitchen was used to seeing Kristen behave this
way, and no one thought much of it.

And there you have it, Kristen Saban is that girl.

21. About thirty minutes later, Hannah went to check on Kristen in her
room and closed the door.
22. For the next thirty or so minutes, Courtney, McKinnon and Sarah
were lying in Courtney’s bed (across the hall from Kristen’s) with the door open,
waiting to go to the Waffle House.

I assume that during this time some sexy sorority thing you only see happen in the movies, like a topless pillow fight, ensued.

23. Sarah checked her Facebook via her phone and saw that Kristen
had posted a status saying “No one likes Sarah! Yayyyyy!”
24. Sarah showed Courtney her phone, and got up off the bed saying
“I’m done.”
25. Courtney cautioned Sarah from confronting Kristen about the
status because of her known violent nature and previous assault on others.
26. Sarah stated to Courtney, “Well if she touches me, I’ll kill her.”

This is a sorority and not a Latina street gang, right?

27. Sarah walked across the hall, with her phone in hand and knocked
on Kristen’s door with the palm of her hand saying, “You’ve got five seconds to
take it off, or I’m going to tell everyone that you punched Daniel (Kristen’s
former boyfriend) in the face last week. Try me.”

It’s official, Kristen Saban is the Sonny Corleone of the University of Alabama.

28. Kristen did not respond but opened the door seconds later waving
her phone in Sarah’s face, causing Sarah to move backwards towards Courtney’s
bedroom door.
29. Kristen was yelling, “I took it off, I took it off!”
30. Sarah responded, “That’s fine, but we’re done, you’re crazy.”

Again, emotionally unstable bear, do not poke it.

31. Kristen immediately used both of her hands and shoved Sarah into
the corner of Courtney’s open door, slamming Sarah’s head.


32. Sarah defended herself by pushing Kristen into the opposite wall,
saying “Don’t touch me.”
32. Kristen proceeded to punch Sarah Grimes multiple times in her
head and nose, and to pull Sarah’s hair, even though Kristen knew that Sarah had
really bad migraines from a prior head injury from an automobile accident.
33. By this time Meghan, who was outside in the parking lot, heard the
yelling and ran upstairs.
34. Sarah screamed “I’m calling the cops!”
35. Kristen’s grip on Sarah’s hair prevented Sarah from getting away
and they moved down the hall toward the kitchen as Sarah tried to get away.
36. After multiple blows to Sarah’s face, Hannah intervened and tried
to pull Kristen away but was unable to do so due to Kristen’s grip of Sarah’s hair
and Kristen refused to stop hitting Sarah.
37. The screaming woke up Beth Terry, who immediately jumped in to
help pull Kristen off from behind (Beth’s shirt was ripped and stained with
Sarah’s blood).
38. It took both Beth Terry and Hannah Muncher to pull Kristen off of

That is a beating. I feel like this should have been happening in a double wide while some shirtless guy shouted “Goddamn ya crazy bitch I’m trying to cook some fuckin’ meth over here, watch where yer rolling around ‘n fightin’! You want this whole place to explode!?! AHHH FUCK! You woke up the baby. I ain’t dealin’ with it, I know that ain’t my kid!”

Also, it took three girls to pull Kristen Saban off of Sarah Grimes. That’s what happens when drunk rage is combined with a perfect form tackle taught by the devil himself.

39. Once Kristen stopped hitting Sarah, Sarah saw a large amount on
blood on the wood floor.
40. Sarah looked down and noticed a great amount of blood was
running down her chest and into her bra.

Which no doubt sexually aroused Kristen Saban and her insatiable blood lust.

41. Sarah felt her nose and realized that the blood was coming from it.
42. Kristen turned to go back to her room, picking Sarah’s phone up
off the floor and throwing it into the wall, attempting to break it.

One last little fuck you. I’m fairly certain that if Sarah’s puppy had wandered into the room Kristen would have snapped its neck and chucked it through a closed window.

43. Sarah followed Kristen along with the other witnesses into her
bedroom to talk to her and found her lying on the floor to the left of her bed, with
her eyes closed and crying.

Classic crazy girl move. Start crying immediately after you’ve done something insanely fucked up.

44. When Sarah caught a glimpse of her face in the mirror from her
bathroom, she saw that her temple had swollen to the size of a tennis ball, which
was extremely alarming to Sarah.
45. Sarah kneeled down on the floor next to Kristen and calmly said,
“Open your eyes and look at my face”
46. Kristen slightly sat up, opened her eyes, and Sarah said “I would
never do this to you.”

That’s honestly a sweet and sisterly gesture, but you can’t reason with madness.

47. Kristen responded, “You grabbed my throat!”
48. Sarah told Kristen that she did that in self-defense because Kristen
had thrown Sarah into the door frame and Sarah had to get Kristen off of her.
49. Kristen’s eyes appeared to roll back into her head as if she had just
realized the severity of the situation, and Kristen fell back and started crying

Annnnnnnd back to the crying. If I was writing a textbook on how to be a crazy girl, this would be in there.

50. Sarah then told Kristen that she (Sarah) needed to go to the
51. After Courtney agreed that Sarah needed to get checked out,
Kristen began hysterically crying louder and screaming “I’m going to jail!” over
and over.
52. Sarah went to DCH, the trauma hospital in Tuscaloosa.
53. Sarah was taken to the hospital by Courtney Reigel, Beth Terry,
and McKinnon Moultrie.
54. Sarah reported that she had been assaulted by her friend who had
hit Sarah’s face repeatedly with her fists.
55. Sarah also reported that she had been bleeding some from her nose.
56. The emergency physician observed Sarah had a hematoma to the
left side of her face and abrasions were seen on the bridge of Sarah’s nose and left
57. The physician diagnosed Sarah with an elbow contusion, a
concussion, cervical strain, and headache. Later, Sarah would be diagnosed with
a deviated septum.
58. The emergency physician informed Sarah that her injuries were
very serious and could have been life threatening.

Does anyone want to double check and make 100% sure Nick Saban never banged a jackal?

59. The concussion was so bad that it affected Sarah’s ability to
concentrate and do her schoolwork.
60. University of Alabama police officers, Tuscaloosa police officers,
and the University of Alabama Dean of Students responded to an assault call at
the DCH emergency room.
61. The officers spoke with Sarah Grimes, Courtney Reigel and Beth
Terry; McKinnon had left the hospital before the police arrived.
62. The officers were told what had happened.
63. The officers observed bruises to Sarah’s left eye and took
photographs of Sarah’s injuries.
64. Sarah stated that she did not want to have Kristen criminally

Now THAT is sisterhood. Snitches get stitches. Well, Sarah Grimes was already getting stitches at that point, but she would’ve gotten MORE stitches, dammit!

65. The beating was submitted to Judicial Affairs at the University and
Kristen pled guilty.
66. Kristen was ordered to take psychological testing, an anger
management class, and a no contact order was issued between Kristen and Sarah.

Probably a little overdue.

67. As a result of the beating and the head injuries Sarah Grimes
sustained by Kristen Saban, Sarah has had repeated night terrors, anxiety, physical
trembling, fears of dying from brain injuries, trouble sleeping, and intrusive
recollections of the event.

NIGHT TERRORS! FUCKING NIGHT TERRORS! Kristen Saban literally gave someone PTSD from one beating that lasted at most two minutes. I bet it was her eyes. The look in her eyes had to be terrifying. I have the weirdest boner right now.

68. Sarah also had an increase in her migraine headaches since the
69. Based on the psychological problems that Sarah incurred from the
beating, she began to see a psychologist for the severe emotional trauma that she
sustained from the beating.
70. On December 27, 2011, Sarah Grimes underwent nasal surgery
with osteotomies and reconstruction.
71. When the doctor performed the surgery, he could see the petition
in the middle of Sarah’s nose was deformed, was shifted, and it was a direct result
of the beating that Sarah received from Kristen.
72. Plaintiff adopts and realleges paragraphs 1-71, above, as if set out
in full herein.
73. The Defendant Kristen Saban did negligently, recklessly,
maliciously, willfully and/or wantonly assault and batter the Plaintiff.
74. As a result of the beating, the Plaintiff felt physically threatened
and suffered physical injuries, mental anguish, emotional distress, humiliation,
permanent emotional and psychological injury, and other damages for which she
claims compensatory and punitive damages.
judgment against the Defendant Kristen Saban for compensatory and punitive
damages in an amount which the Jury finds reasonable and justifiable under the
circumstances, plus costs and interest, but avers that the Plaintiff’s claim is for more
than $10,000.00.
_/s/Stephen Strickland____
(205) 930-9800
Kristen Saban
% Joshua P. Hayes
1 Cyprus Point
701 Rice Mine Road North
Tuscaloosa, AL 35406

It took surgery for Sarah Grimes to realize the full extent of how badly her shit had been rocked that night. Damn Kristen Saban. That fucking family…

Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM

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