News

Texas Beer Run Bandit Basically Begging To Get Caught

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I’m not one to condone stealing — for the most part. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. One time, I was getting off a return flight from spring break in Cabo, and some total chachbag dropped his Oakleys while rushing ahead of me to get off the plane. In that moment, that impatient cuck’s shades became mine. But that’s different, finders keepers and all.

For the most part, though, I don’t steal. That stance is not so much based off of morality but rather for the simple fact that stealing on a consistent basis without getting caught takes some skill. Not only does every business have cameras and/or other security measures nowadays, but furthermore almost every person is walking around with a virtual evidence-gatherer in their pocket. One cell phone pic of you at 4:30 am stuffing that Blu-ray of The 40-Year-Old Virgin down your pants in the middle of Walgreens, and the jig is up.

So needless to say, when I see somebody successfully steal from a place not just once, but multiple times, I am impressed. Someone that fits that description is a man that authorities in Fort Worth, Texas are affectionately referring to as the “beer run bandit.”

From Star-Telegram:

Authorities in Fort Worth are searching for a man described as a serial “beer run” suspect who rammed a female gas station employee while carrying cases of beer to make one of his escapes.

The Fort Worth Police Department reported that since Jan. 11, the suspect has targeted the same gas station at 4600 Southwest Loop 820 three times.

Not once, not twice, but three fucking times that this guy has knocked off the same gas station, and he STILL has not been captured. This past time, he even had to truck stick an employee who was trying to deter his escape.

This may not come off as PC and all, but the fact of the matter is, that level of effort has to be applauded. Our assailant doesn’t stray from obstacles, he plows right through them. What a role model.

Detectives said that in each incident, the suspect will grab several cases of beer, run out of the main doors and flee as a passenger in a vehicle parked outside. The vehicle appears to be an early 2000s model, black four-door Honda Accord with a low profile spoiler.

Same procedure, same getaway car, like me running read option 27 times in a row on Madden, this guy isn’t deviating from a game plan that works. The last go-around was a close call, does he have the cojones to come back a fourth time? In my opinion, if our thief can pull off the same job one more time, authorities have to give up on the case. He has earned that beer.

I guess the lesson here is that if you have to steal, do it at the same place, multiple times over, in a short amount of time. Because apparently that is the easiest way to not get caught.

[via Star-Telegram]

Image via Fort Worth Police

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Dent

Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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