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Ted Cruz Was Caught Liking Twitter Porn

Ted Cruz, the politician/ former presidential candidate/ possible Zodiac Killer just got caught in a an embarrassing situation. Judging by his likes on Twitter, the dude was doing the ol’ knuckle shuffle on the piss pump. At the top of his Twitter likes, there was a video from an account called Sexual Posts.

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We should have elected this man.

Judging from the thumbnail, its a pretty graphic video of a lady getting banged from the back on a couch while another girl watches in confusion, which is honestly a perfect metaphor for modern America. And I’m not gonna lie; I used to hate Ted Cruz. But now I’m his number one supporter. I’m already ordering thousands of ‘Cruz 2020’ bumper stickers as we speak. He seems like, dare I say, a REAL American. Who among us didn’t have a date with Pamela Henderson sometime this week?

They say that when it comes to politicians getting elected, there’s an element of wanting to be the candidate “that you’d wanna have a beer with.” We can at least admit that this makes Ted Cruz look relatable? He has all the personality of a soggy cheerio. But now, I want to have a beer with Ted. As long as he washes his hands before.

Americans need a politician who’s in touch with the common man. Someone who can clearly relate to the average, hard-working, blue collar American. And what’s more “average man” than strangling your snake to some Twitter porn on a Monday night? It’s as American as apple pie or hating soccer. Trump is 72 so there’s no way his junk still works. How can Donald help out the “forgotten man” if he can’t even burp his worm like the rest of us? Sad!

Vote Cruz in 2020, because this dude is just like you and I. I’d feel way more comfortable with a president that rubs one out to clear his mind before making any major decisions.

[via Uproxx]

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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