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As Peyton Manning settles into Bronco orange and blue the stars are aligning for the most unimaginably terrible quarterback controversy of all time. The guy who could win if he had to throw to himself versus the guy who couldn’t win a high school championship.
If Jacksonville GM Shahid Khan doesn’t force the Jaguars to trade for Tim Tebow, the hometown suckpost hero athlete disguised as a quarterback, he’s conceding an L.A. relocation some time in the next decade. Jags games get blacked out all the time because they play in Florida, where if you’re not old, imported, or a back-asswards hick, it doesn’t matter—you’re still a Gators’ fan. That’s why Tim Tebow to the Jags makes sense. He’s the only thing that will make the fans come. Insert gratuitous virgin joke here.
But the Jags already have a quarterback. He has flowing blonde locks and pinpoint accuracy. But if it was ever possible to embody being a complete pussy when you’re six-foot-four and you can chuck a perfect spiral sixty yards, Blaine Gabbert nails it. Because despite all those physical gifts his proudest college achievement was 1st TEAM ACADEMIC All-Big 12. AND HE STILL GOT DRAFTED IN THE FIRST ROUND.
Have you ever met someone named Blaine who doesn’t completely suck? Me neither. With sincere apologies to the inevitable reader named Blaine, who I’m sure is totally FaF.
But Blaine Gabbert is like the dime who can’t flirt, could smash but won’t, and still wants to sleep in your bed… every night. He’s been given most everything in life and last summer he developed the gifts that make NFL GM’s salivate. If they had come to Missouri during the season they’d know he was a complete waste of physical gifts.
Might the NFL have a clash of opposite suckery in Jacksonville next year? The consummate but low talent winner versus the physical specimen/total pussy? Tebow won a national championship and helped win another. Gabbert beat the number one team once… on a regular ole’ night in the middle of the season.
So the choice should be obvious. You go with the winner right? It’s never that easy. Tebow practices like shit and he learns NFL offenses and defenses at the rate autistic children learn proper social behavior. On the other hand Gabbert looks monstrous in practice. He’s a practice Heisman winner, a 7-on-7 drill All Pro.
My prediction, and you heard it here first, is that Peyton Manning’s relocation ends up costing Blaine “Sunshine” Gabbert his starting spot, and leads to his eventual (inevitable?) status as an epic draft bust.
You heard it here first. Manning kept the Ponies in Indy before he upgraded to the big boy Broncos—can Tebow do the same for Jacksonville? Could even he convince Floridians to watch pro football?
And the most important question of all, who the fuck picks teal as their primary jersey color? You know what, fuck it—the Jaguars deserve to be in LA, just rename ‘em the Cougars.
Goddamn you ESPN. Goddamn you to hell if you force me to watch this everyday over the course of the summer. I’d rather watch Pittsburgh Pirates highlights… no seriously.