In a world increasingly saturated with what amounts to bright lights and screaming voices all vying for your attention, it pays to stand out. Standing out, however, can be tough. You have to know your audience, or at least fill your pitch with so much ridiculous shit that people will be forced to listen, if only to hear what you will say next in order to sell your product. An energy pouch company called TeaZa has apparently embraced this method, especially when it comes to marketing its product to fraternities. An energy pouch, in case you were wondering, is a little pouch that comes in a dip-like puck. Like a dip pouch, you tuck it into your lip and kick up your feet. I think we got sent a few of these bad boys a while back. TeaZa has also now sent a bunch of its pouches to fraternities across the country, accompanied with one of the most outrageous advertising letters I’ve ever read. A tipster from a University of Wisconsin fraternity sent TFM the text, and it is ridiculous. Let’s break it down.
Greetings Campus Degenerates,
It seems like the company has accomplished the “know your audience” aspect of marketing.
So there you are. Itʼs 9:30 in the morning, your body feels like it was run over by a lifted F-250, and all you want in the world is to get a few more hours of sleep with Samantha, or Becky, or whatever the hell the girl next to you was named (itʼs easy to forget, we understand). Thereʼs just one thing stopping you: mandatory fucking attendance in your early class.
I’m intrigued, partly because I’m wondering whether or not this is a service that delivers pills made to cure hangovers and give you boners while someone phones in a bomb threat to your class from a call center.
(scribbles down business idea)
The only thing you want in the world is a little pick me up, but youʼd rather stick your junk in a smelter than deal with the double venti mocha bullshit at the campus coffee shop.
This marketing team has officially left the territory in which fucks are given. Talking about sticking your dangle in a smelter will do that.
After all, the lines are always around the corner filled with peppy sorority girls whose high pitched squeals make it feel like your skull is getting systematically thunderfucked by a 450lb guy named “Tiny.”
TeaZa just dropped a one-two punch of genital mangling and prison rape. I’m starting to think its marketing department looks like the bar basement in “Fight Club,” except everyone is far drunker. I’m not sure if this speaks to all fraternity guys, but it’s definitely speaking to me. Then again, if you’ve ever read anything I’ve written, that shouldn’t surprise you.
Whatever happened to being a fucking man? Itʼs time we move past the macchiatos and blonde roasts and get our energy in a way that doesnʼt involve the ritualistic sacrifice of our testicles to the coffee Gods.
Whoever just stuck his dick in a smelter and then cut off his balls is asking that exact same question, because he is, quite literally, not a man anymore. TeaZa’s colorful adjectives are both entertaining me and making my balls hurt, like a violent, wildly fast-paced hand job. (Hire me TeaZa!)
TeaZa is the solution your inherent manliness has been waiting for.
Well, I think we all saw that coming, but I have to ask–will anything unfortunate happen to my genitals should I choose TeaZa, like it apparently does when I drink coffee?
Since the dawn of time man has been shoving leaves between his lips to give that natural edge. Cavemen never guzzled down dainty processed energy drinks or iced coffees to get themselves pumped to slit the throat of a fucking sabertooth tiger.
Most specifically, coca leaves. Cavemen were frat, you guys.
Return to your roots with the all natural energy that a fresh pouch of TeaZa can provide.
(starts writing a TeaZa commercial in which a fraternity guy drops in a pouch and ends up slitting the throat of a mountain lion)
In every single can of TeaZa- we like to call them “pucks”- you get 10 pouches of pure edge and energy. Each pouch contains as much caffeine as a typical cup of coffee without the soul- crushing crash that your everyday energy options are known for. At less than $5 a puck, you donʼt need to be a calc major to understand all the beer money youʼd save choosing our product over an energy drink with the color and consistency of cat piss.
Five bucks is pretty legit, but my pee is actually a weird color because TFM fans keep finding me on the street and punching me in the kidneys. A handshake would be fine, dammit.
Itʼs time to take a stand for your masculinity. Cast aside the Orange Mocha Frappu whatever and pack a fat lip of TeaZa to survive your daily campus struggles.
Alright, fine, I’m sold on trying one if only because TeaZa just basically screamed “FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUU, PUSSSSSSYYYYYY!!!!” in my face for six paragraphs. It’s almost out of pride at this point.
Also, apparently TeaZa has a campus ambassador program. I assume that means you set up a stage on your college’s quad, throw in a lip, and wrestle hobos you have fed speed to in front of the audience. I’d buy any product that used that as a promotional event–even the Iranian anal lubricant that used my face on the bottle without permission.
Check out our ambassador program: www.teazaenergy.com/ambassador
Seriously, be ready to fight hobos on speed to prove that TeaZa works.
Here’s a picture of the full letter:
I reached out to TeaZa about the letter, mostly out of morbid curiosity. The company put me in touch with some guy named Travis. As we were exchanging emails, I liked to imagine a Kenny Powers-esque man was typing on the other end. I probably wasn’t far off. He explained the product to me some more, though with far fewer “motherfuckers” than I hoped. Again, the energy pouch concept sounded legit. Pack a lip, get energy, and apparently go on to dominate your day. Sweet. Though, at this point I can’t be sure if I was agreeing just so I wouldn’t sound like a pussy. Whatever. If it wasn’t for peer pressure, I would have never done anything cool in my life anyway.
Travis also included explicit instructions on how to best use the pouches, which I am mostly publishing because he doubled down on the smelter threats. Long story short, if I don’t post this, he’ll melt one sensitive part of me and pour it down a different sensitive part of me. These people do not mess around.