Team USA Already Won The 2016 Summer Olympics With Their Official Ceremony Uniforms

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I love the Summer Olympics not because of the good-natured competition and sportsmanship demonstrated between world class athletes or the sheer entertainment value of the two-week product. No, as high-voltage as badminton, rowing, and synchronized swimming can be, I’m solely tuning in to see the U.S. flex nuts atop of other countries’ heads, Vince Carter-style.

Pure domination. That’s all I care to see. If our All-Star NBA squad isn’t making Lithuania or Venezuela look like a 5th grade CYO B-team and win by a 100, I consider it a major disappointment.

It’s not enough to just beat these lesser countries, either. We need to remind them that most of, if not all, our athletes get paid to play their sport for a living. While Andrés has been scraping together every coconut he can down in Costa Rica just to be able to afford to make it down to Rio and live out his dream, the Olympics are more of an inconvenience or business trip for our guys and gals. Sure, winning gold would be cool, but no one’s trying to tweak a hammy to do so.

That’s why I love the Team USA opening ceremony uniforms. Why be subtle when you can just teabag the world with your wealth?

Do you hear that? That’s the rest of the planet moaning with envy. Nice track jackets, everyone else. While you look like grandmas going for a Sunday stroll to get a gallon of milk at the local convenience store, we just walked off a damn party yacht ten scotches deep. Might as well cancel the damn games now, because we just blew everyone out of the Zika infested shit water.

Image via Youtube

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer, Podcast Host, and Video Guy for Grandex Media. He's Delco trash to the core and a UCF cinema studies graduate because he never got around to applying to an actual film school. Dan is a gambling man, crypto investor, and procrastinator. He enjoys long walks to the water fountain between bench press sets and is not a fan of the homeless, the elderly, or the Phoenix Airport. Email tips to

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