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Kegs weren’t allowed at fraternity parties at my school, and for that reason an untapped keg has always been like an uncompromisable safe to me. I have no clue how to use that weird penis pump-looking contraption to access the nectar within those ribbed metal barrels, and I’m fine with that. My biggest fear has always been that someone will task me with tapping the keg at a party, I’ll fuck it up, a geyser of beer will start spraying out the top, and I, in a moment of panic, will attempt to terminate the impromptu beer shower by planting my anus firmly atop the beer hole, with the resulting alcohol enema simultaneously labeling me a Tennessee PIKE and causing my untimely demise.
And that relatively rational fear just refers to my fear of modern day kegs. Classic barrel kegs? With, like, wooden mallets and shit? No thanks. Every time I play a Whack-A-Mole game I wind up setting the machine’s new low score, so putting the pressure of an entire group of alcohol-thirsty people behind me would be crushingly anxietous. All my organs would fall out my ass before the beer even had a shot of getting up there. 100% I do something like this:
If you’re having problems with that embed, watch the video here.
The key in this situation? Having friends who will laugh their fucking asses off at you rather than getting mad. Surrounding yourself with people who want nothing more than for you to fuck up so they can laugh at you is the best way to build a solid support system.
Fraternities are weird like that..
Image via Facebook/Brauerei & Gasthof Zwanzger