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Tales From The Greek Gutter: The Social Chair Hustle

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“I mean, how much debt could the chapter really be in?” Andy Phelps, newly elected social chair of Omicron Gamma, thought to himself. While the chapter had not held one single successful mixer since he pledged in the Fall of 2013, Phelps blamed this on a lack of effort rather than a lack of finances. Up to this point, the position of social chair had been nothing more than a sad “résumé booster.” No one had stepped up to the plate and delivered. But that was about to change. Come the first Omicron Gamma chapter meeting of the Fall semester, Phelps pushed for things to be different. While the seemingly unheard of idea of throwing a mixer was well received by the majority of the chapter, Omicron Gamma treasurer Brad Hill was not sold on the idea. Explaining that chapter finances have not been in the black since the Clinton administration, Hill was quick to veto. In an act of desperation Phelps promised that next door neighbors and upper middle tier sorority Eta Phi Upsilon had agreed to join them in a night of drunken festivities. This immediately swayed chapter opinion as the total number of females who had entered the Omicron Gamma house over the past two semesters could be counted on one hand.

Now that the chapter had spoken and was willing to go deeper into debt for the unlikely chance of a sympathy handy from the neighboring gals, it was time to work the books. With the mixer being slated for Saturday evening the brothers had only four days to prepare for their first party in nearly two years. Seeing as they only had six accepted bids, brothers were forced to play a vital role in setting things up and making the house look presentable.

After a short and pity filled discussion with Eta Phi Upsilon social chair Brittany May, the two chairs had decided on a Blue Hawaiian theme. That same day, Phelps began scavenging the house’s darkest closets and corners hoping to find any party decorations which he could reuse as the true magnitude of chapter debt was slowly sinking in.

As most active brothers could hardly remember the last party that was thrown at the house, Phelps’ decoration search came up fruitless, yet this would not dissuade him. Phelps and Hill decided to head to the local Walmart and pick up any suitable decorations which they could find, an inflatable pool, a sandbox, some hanging lights, and inflatable palm trees. As they approached the cashier, the house card was treated more like a gift card than a debit card, “I think there should be enough on there to cover this,” stated Hill. To nobody’s surprise, the card declined, with a unanimous “Fuck this,” the two brothers left their goods at the register and instead headed for a much more imperative stop, the liquor store. Knowing damn well that they had no money to blow on anything more than twelve dollar handles, Phelps and Hill stocked their carts with the cheapest plastic liquor that they could find.

Following up their liquor run with a stop at the grocery store for some blue food coloring and store-brand pineapple juice, they were fully supplied to provide the ladies of Eta Phi Upsilon with a drink equally heinous as it is Hawaiian. After returning back to the Omicron Gamma house and browsing through the free section of Craigslist for some sandboxes and inflatable pools Phelps found the only decorations that would fit the house budget and set pickup times for Saturday morning before the mixer.

Finally, after a day of panic and realization that he may have underestimated his chapter’s true poverty, Phelps went to sleep fearing that he may have bitten off more than he can chew. Either way, a failed mixer is better than continuing the streak of no social life of any kind. With another full day and a half before the Blue Hawaiian, the liquor purchased and the decorations ready for pickup Phelps tried to reassure himself, yet he still feared the worst.

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