Gentlemen, I call upon all of you to assist me in shedding light on a matter of utmost importance. Fraternity men across the nation are being victimized by an offensive and disrespectful appropriation of their culture: geeds wearing fratty clothes.
Everywhere we turn — classrooms, dining halls, dormitories, bars and shopping malls — we see our cherished and sacred culture raped before our very eyes. It might be a guy with a fohawk wearing a Polo shirt tucked into cargo shorts, or a guy with Sperrys slipped over socks that go all the way up to his knees. It might be a hipster drinking a PBR, or a girl dressed as a “frat bro” on Halloween (my culture is NOT your costume).
None of them are in frats, and all of them are committing a flagrant and hurtful microaggression.
But we fraternity men are merely expected to take it. We sit idly by on the comfort of our porches and suffer in silence (unless a hottie jogs by). I, for one, am fed up. I say, “NO MORE!”
College students the world over are standing up for their right not to be offended by cultural appropriation. The University of Ottawa banned yoga for insensitively appropriating Indian culture. Oberlin College students are currently protesting their university cafeteria’s shameful appropriation of Asian culture (they served General Tso’s chicken with the incorrect sauce, banh mi sandwiches with the incorrect bread, and sushi with undercooked rice).
Now it’s our turn.
We must put down our beers and draw words that rhyme on picket signs. Then, we must pick those beers back up, put them in foam koozies, and take to the streets with said picket signs.
We, as members of the #FratLivesMatter movement, have compiled the following list of DEMANDS that must go into effect nationwide by February 1, 2016 (I put “demands” in all-caps so you know I mean business). Until these DEMANDS are met, I will eat only General Tso’s chicken prepared with the culturally-incorrect sauce.
1. We DEMAND every person not in Greek life immediately relinquishes all apparel and accessories of the following brands: Ralph Lauren, Rowdy Gentleman, Southern Tide, Lacoste, Vineyard Vines, and Brooks Brothers.
2. We DEMAND Al Sharpton watches the entire ten minute video I sent him of my asshole opening and closing, then responds with a five page (minimum) essay on what he learned.
3. We DEMAND the all-day McDonald’s breakfast menu be altered to include the McGriddle.
4. We DEMAND mandatory classes for all college students aimed at preventing microaggressions toward the frat community (i.e. never wear socks with boat shoes, it’s never okay to call it a “frat” instead of a “fraternity” unless you’re in a frat).
5. Show us your tits.
6. We DEMAND hipsters issue a public apology admitting that they stole the idea of drinking PBR on the reg from us, that their glasses are nonprescription, and that they’ve never had an original thought in their lives.
7. We DEMAND every other geed who’s ever stolen from our culture issues a public statement admitting their geedness.
8. We DEMAND Maria texts me back because I thought we really hit it off the other week and I at least deserve a text saying she’s not interested.
9. We DEMAND a pound of bacon.
10. We DEMAND Japanese schoolgirls stop wearing bright-colored clothing with cute little animals on it (that’s our thing).
Become a part of the movement. Sign the petition now on Change.org.
Join me in promoting this noble cause, brethren. Lead a protest on your campus against frat culture appropriation (just be prepared for a counterprotest led by white people with dreadlocks). Get everyone you know to sign the petition. Stand up. Speak out. Do something. Anything. But don’t do nothing. Because by doing nothing, you are in fact a part of the problem. Your silence is violence..