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Surviving Homecoming

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Homecoming will soon be upon us, gentlemen. This glorious time of year is a wonderful combination of school athletics and greek events, culminating in a day of football and drunkenness that often causes lesser men to pass out at noon, their beer spilled and their tank top soiled with the remains of a chili dog and far too many beers.

It’s a warzone out there. If you got to any school worth its tuition price, the week will be one Greek social after another, with all the most ridiculous themes dragged out of your social chair’s twisted, substance-addled psyche. Thanks to homecoming, I once took a physics exam at 10am drunk, and still sort of covered in paint. I did incredibly poorly, and my professor was legitimately concerned I’d been in a paint factory explosion the night before. Apple pie shots made with everclear get me every time.

So, how do you make it to, and through, the big game on Saturday without dying on the way to the stadium? It requires preparation, dedication, a lot of Gatorade or Vitamin Water, and some straight dumb luck.

Have A Buddy

“No man is an island,” said poet John Donne. Take that to heart during homecoming, otherwise you’ll end up stranded in the middle of the Blackout Ocean on a deserted island surrounded only by iffy fives and the local college town police. Get one of your pledge brothers to drag you home, instead of wandering off, when you get near the point of no return. The story may be great, but no one wants to wake up naked on the steps of the admin building, or outside the diner with tour groups coming by.

Pre-game Like It’s Your Job

You thought this guide was going to be all responsible? Think again. Homecoming parties should be messy nights, which is why you needed the buddy. I recommend a bottle of something cheap, tasty, and high in alcohol content. You want to be well into your night by the time you get there. That way you spend less time waiting to grab drinks from the pledges at the bar and more time talking to that girl you found at the party. You all saw Animal House. You know how it ends for the guy who wanders off for drinks and leaves his girl alone. That’s like skinny dipping in a pool of piranha in the Amazon. It’ll be messy, you’ll probably get soaked, and someone is likely to lose a limb.

Buy Into The Themes

Look, I know that the Disney theme party the girls demanded may not be your scene for themes, but sack up and roll with it. No one ever had success with a girl at a party he spent half the time bitching about. If you’re lame and negative, girls won’t want to talk to you. Don’t be that guy. Be fun, go all out for the theme and make some bad decisions. Besides, if it all works out, you could keep with the theme and Lion King your girl at the end of the night, you sick bastard.

Don’t Underestimate Gameday

After a week of raging, some people underestimate gameday. Those people end up being the homecoming game’s bitch. If you’re going to wake up at 9am to drink all day, you better have your power naps planned, your tailgates scouted, your alcohol bought and your alarm set the night before. It’s the alcoholic equivalent of a marathon, especially if you include post-game celebrations. If the alumni show up (and they will), expect your best laid plans to be dashed upon the rocks of quality beer and liquor. Though they probably won’t be whiskey rocks, unless you have some very classy and/or financially reckless alumni. In that case, it’s any port in a storm. Good luck and godspeed; you’ll need it to make it through the day.

When it comes to homecoming week success, losers always whine about doing their best while they walk home alone and sober. Winners go home and knock boots with the sorority social chair. So get out there, boys, and have a blast.


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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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