After the opening ceremony on August 5, we’ll be blessed with two and a half weeks of 24/7 media coverage of the games in Rio. The International Olympic Committee shuffled the regular slate of events and brought back a couple sports this year, which they seem to be doing more and more. In 2020 they’re considering adding baseball/softball, surfing, sport climbing, roller sports, and karate. Bowling, wakeboarding, squash, and wushu missed the cut. I don’t know what wushu is, either.
Let’s break down what we’ve got this year by how likely you are to watch it:
Bringing golf back certainly takes the sting out of the fact that our athletes will probably die from dysentery.
When it comes to the pool, Team USA is the most decorated program in the world. As if that wasn’t enough, Michael Phelps finished all of his coloring books and came out of retirement to become only the second American swimmer to compete in the Olympics five separate times.
3. Women’s Beach Volleyball
May-Walsh. You already know.
4. Table Tennis
I think being Chinese is an unfair advantage when it comes to table tennis, but hey, they put on a good show.
It’s like some fucked up version of four-square, I think. Love it.
6. Track and Field
I’ll be honest, the only reason I watch the track and field events is so I don’t miss someone getting hit with a javelin.
Huge plus if you’re a guy out there with a fetish for girls slightly under 5 feet tall.
9. Water Polo
Just in case someone drowns.
I Mean, I Guess
In London, Kazakhstan earned four out of their five gold medals in weightlifting. Putting all your eggs in one basket is aggressive, and I respect that.
I maintain that it would be more exciting if they fought with actual swords.
I have the tennis channel. I’m white.
20. Synchronized swimming
21. Judo / Taekwondo
You could really just watch a Steven Seagal movie instead.
22. Modern pentathlon
Brings back too many memories of sleeping over at my Boy Scout troop leader’s cabin.
Horses are too large of an animal to be trusted.
29. Field Hockey
In the words of Jay Cutler, “DDDDDOOOOOONNNNTTTTTTTT CAAAAAAARRRREEEEEEEEEEE.”.
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