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Listen up. The school year is over and you spent every dime your parents gave you on JUUL pods, cheap booze, and late night pizza. You’re more broke than Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness, except you’re not homeless and (hopefully) don’t have a kid. Not to worry, though, as you have a solid three months to rake in some cash before the fall semester starts and you go back to full degenerate mode.
Summer jobs are all about the perks. Sure, you can work as a cashier at some shmuck grocery store and make $9 an hour, but where’s the fun in that? Plus, there are zero perks of working in a grocery store besides seeing every mom in your hometown at least once a week. Could be a perk if they’re Milfy, though. Anyway, here are the most ideal summer jobs for all you broke bastards out there looking for a fun and lucrative summer.
Ever seen Caddyshack? That movie explains everything, so watch it. Spending your summer at a yuppie country club carrying bags for old men with too much money is a god damn gold mine. Sure, it’s hot and the bags can be heavy, but the cash tips you receive are insane. The perks are simple. You’re going to get a sick tan, great workout, and free golf. Sounds like a great summer to me.
If you want to take a more legit route, an internship is the summer job you should be applying for. For starters, if you get in with the right company you can get paid fat, and receive a full time job offer from the company after you graduate. If you want to make bank, apply to companies in the financial sector. You may be grinding all summer, but you’ll roll into the fall semester like Jordan Belfort after he started flipping penny stocks. Completely worth it.
If you didn’t have enough of the frat life during the school year, being a camp counselor is the move for you. Being put in charge of a troop of little kids that will adhere to every word you say is basically like having pledges. You get to play sports, be outside all the time, and mess with little kids. Sounds fun to me. Plus, if you’re a counselor at an overnight camp you get free food, zero living expenses, and if it’s a high end camp, international counselors that you can shoot your shot with. Win-win-win all around.
This is for all my athletically gifted guys out there. If you can run, swim, and have a shore house, this is a god damn dream job. Do you know how much ass life guards get??? You literally chill on a post all day as girls come up to YOU and shoot their shot. I’ve seen it first hand, and it’s really not fair. Also, life guards know how to party. It’s just a bunch of dudes that are trying to get fucked up and get girls. You’re getting paid to save the occasional peon that floats too far out to sea. If you have the opportunity to life guard, you have to do it.
Working on a Vineyard
Yes, this is a very extravagant summer job but it may apply to some of you Brads and Chads out there. If there is a vineyard anywhere near your hometown, APPLY NOW. It doesn’t matter how much they’re paying you because the perks are unreal. Free expensive bottles of wine and beautiful women.
Quick List of NOT Ideal Summer Jobs:
Internship at the WNBA – Countless hours of watching sub-par basketball.
Bus Boy, Bar Back, and Food Runner – Working in a restaurant is miserable. You constantly get yelled out, shit on, or demoralized, and you make crap money. Stay away.
Super Market – See opening paragraph.
Bitcoin Investor – Go fuck yourself..