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Congratulations, fuckers. You just graduated from high school. Barely. You really have the capacity to be a 4.0 student, but SCHOOLIN’ IS FOR NERDS and you’re TFTC. Class just gets in the way of 60-second keg stands and threesomes with slams. You’re a college man now. It’s time to embark on four to seven years of booze-induced skirt chasing and hazing everyone on campus who doesn’t wear letters. Make sure you bring everything on this checklist to your first day of freshman year and you’ll be banging 10s in no time.
No letters, no sex. It’s the number one rule for frat life.
Every brand possible. Every color possible. And then get some extras. This is THE staple of your wardrobe. Can you imagine how embarrassing it’ll be if you’re the only one without the periwinkle blue shirt for the Frat Tuesday bar crawl? You might as well just haze yourself. This shit can get expensive, so just pretend to come from old money. Wait until Labor Day–the Polo Factory Store always has a summer sale at the outlets, and you’ll need to stock up.
Chubbies (0” If Possible)
Rule of thumb: The less material, the more frat. Mom won’t buy you three-inch inseams? Throw a fit, because you’re not even getting into Pike if you don’t have salmon-printed derbies. If you’re not rockin’ copious amounts of man thigh during rush, then you better get used to masturbating with your own tears as you cry yourself to sleep–because that’s where your life is heading.
No other brand is allowed. This is non-negotiable.
Another essential for your closet. It doesn’t matter if it’s 20 degrees outside. If there’s a shimmer of sun, you best be bearing those guns.
Copious Amounts Of SEC Paraphernalia
You’re joining a frat. This means you will blindly root for the SEC no matter where you go, because the SEC is FAF. Attending the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine? Geaux Tigers! Got a sick scholly to Alaska Vocational Technical Center? Gig ’em Aggies! Hang that Auburn flag proudly as you black out, yelling “roll tide” in your Gators polo. Who cares if you’re at Western Wyoming Community College? Everyone will think you’re the shit.
Empty Liquor Bottles
You’ve watched “American Pie: Beta House,” like, 40 times, and that’s practically a documentary on college life. It’s a 24/7 orgy with more drinking than you can even handle. Since you throw up after two Mike’s Hard Lemonades, you need to think outside the box, and nothing screams “frat” more than using trash to decorate your freshman dorm. Showing off old bottles of cheap booze from your grandpa’s liquor cabinet tells prospective slams and older brothers, “I PARTY HARD, YOU GUYS!” On the bright side, once the school year is done, you can get five cents for each bottle. Just make sure you fill them with colored water. It’s not frat unless you do.
Luke Bryan Poster
Learn to love country music. He sang “Wagon Wheel,” right?
It might be summer, but spring break isn’t THAT far away. Just imagine it: you’re rocking your dad bod down in Cancun when you spot a total smokeshow across the pool. You down your shitty tequila and go spit your game, but there’s just one problem. Your shirt’s off and you left your Costas and Croakies with your boys. How is said slam supposed to know just how frat you are? Don’t let this happen to you. Plan ahead and get that little jockey forever inked on your man boob. Your penis will thank you later.
Just kidding–praying you won’t be a dad at 18 is way more exciting.
Sick Beer Pong Stories
If you’re looking to get those twin 10s into your twin bed, then you MUST enthrall them with your tales of beer pong supremacy from back in your high school glory days. Let them known they’re talking to a LEGEND who came back from four cups down at Tony’s gradation party to totally force sudden death, only to yell “Kobe” and drain that final cup. Don’t forget to mention how you totally ran the table for the rest of the night and got a blumpkin from Fat Sue when Tony’s parents went out to pick up some pepperoni pizza. It might seem like the girls are running away out of sheer boredom, but they’re really just going to tell their girlfriends about how gnarly your skills are. Make sure you awkwardly hang out by the pong table all night and don’t talk to anyone else. They’ll know where to find you.
Large Quantities Of Pee
So many butts, so little time.