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Stuff Frat People Like: Philanthropies

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I have to start this one off with a disclaimer: While it’s great that we as fraternity men get to donate massive amounts of money to charity in a fun and engaging way through philanthropies, let’s get real, it’s not even close to the real reason we like them so much.

We like philanthropies because we like to get fucked up at a completely unreasonable hour, dress up in ridiculous outfits, and play sports or games from our childhood in drunken stupors.

What other excuse is there for a batch of lovely Sorority women to show up at your door at 7am carrying a lethal mix of bagels, cream cheese, Gatorade, and pure grain alcohol? Though it’s almost a guarantee you are either still drunk from the night before, or nursing a massive hangover, the allure of the philanthropic event forces you to swallow your pride (and possibly vomit) to commit to a day of charitable debauchery.

After a hefty grain alcohol power hour, the group stumbles (or relies on oh-so-handy pledge rides) to take them to the court or field, where each and every other Fraternity is in the exact same near-blackout state.

There is only one thing in the world more competitive than rival Fraternities, and that’s drunk rival Fraternities. Suddenly, a simple game of dodgeball or cornhole becomes an epic duel to the death, with each Fraternity’s reputation and social standing on the line. Each out or score brings immeasurable joy that may very well make your founding fathers’ cheer in their graves.

Sorority girl coaches are not immune to this competitive fire, and it is not uncommon to see a Panhellenic woman shed her pearls and embroidered handbag to curse and yell along with the brothers. In case you were wondering, ladies, we absolutely love it when this happens. Nothing is better than seeing the same classy lady who refused to drink beer the night before (“because of the calories”) chugging grain alcohol and shouting slurs to her sisters serving as referees.

In most cases, if you prepared correctly, your team won’t last very long in the competition for obvious reasons (half the team leaving to go to the bars, players passing out mid-game, and the rest too incoherent to understand the rules). While this may go in the books as a loss for your Fraternity, remember that you actually did a good thing by participating in this charitable event. And, no, I’m not talking about the money you donated to the needy children or dogs or homeless or whatever. You successfully got drunk before 8am, and still have a whole day of liver abuse ahead of you. Rage on sir, rage on.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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