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Stuff Frat People Like: Dads

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Now I know most of my columns are devoted to the many vices of fraternity men, including but not limited to: binge drinking, raw dogging sorostitutes, and general socially unacceptable behavior. But today, I’d like to take a step back and acknowledge something a little more serious. While our lifestyles contain plenty of recklessness and hilarity, today I want to point out what made all of this fraternal nonsense possible: our fathers.

Skimming the site, it’s fairly obvious that 98% of my readers’ fathers are either wealthy investment bankers, or CEOs of Fortune 500 companies. While a significant portion of you are probably just lying to get posted on TFM, the core respect and honor for our fathers is still prevalent. Truth be told, even though my own old man is no CEO (just a normal guy, really…he’s a VP), the fact remains that we all owe a significant portion of our habits and personalities to the father-and-son bonds we formed early in life, regardless of their occupation. Sure, you spend every gameday weekend funneling beers until you can no longer feel your extremities, but remember where it all began. Your father was the one who would sneak you a beer at family gatherings, and with a high-five and a smile he’d remind you, “Don’t tell mom.” You may brag about your successful hunting or fishing outings, but he was the one who taught you how to properly tie a lure and load a shotgun. You may feel like a badass for taking down yet another top-tier slam, but he was the one who taught you how goddamned crazy women are, and how to sift through their never ending hordes of bullshit. No matter how you look at it, you owe a lot to good old Dad.

Granted, in our college years the opportunities to bond with our fathers can wear thin. Any phone calls between you two are typically reserved for business matters, like hearing his latest fishing stories or discussing fantasy football strategies. Obviously a sharp contrast from our mothers, who call regularly to make sure every aspect of our lives is okay (we still love them for it, it’s just a different connection). I’m here to tell you to take advantage of the moments you have, because one day you’ll surely be hoping your own son does the same.

Not all of our dads are hugely successful business tycoons, and I’m willing to bet several of your fathers weren’t even in fraternities to begin with, but these facts are irrelevant. Through life, the things that you’ll remember are not how hard your father raged in college, or how successful he was, but the lessons he imparted on you when you needed them most. He was the one who took you to the ZZ Top concert, because mom “just didn’t get it.” He taught you the ins-and-outs of football, the sport we all enjoy so dearly today. He remembers your first fish, probably even better than you do. Without our fathers, we’d all just be poor, misguided, alcoholic mongrels. Be sure to let him know you appreciate him putting up with all your childhood and teenage nonsense. He’ll be glad you did.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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