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Stuff Frat People Like: ‘All You Can Drink’

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You see these four short words outside your favorite bar on a hardly noticeable fold-out sign a few times week. The statement is hastily written in neon chalk, but it might as well be cast in solid gold. This sign is a clear indication that for a few short hours, this bar elevates itself to one of our favorite places on campus, right up there with our sacred football stadiums.

The “All You Can Drink” special challenges all able-bodied Fratstars to chug whiskey like a freshman with a fake ID until their thoughts are simplified into three all-encompassing categories: food, sex, and more whiskey.

Food may be the easiest choice, and if your unlimited binge happened to fall in the early afternoon it may be the smartest as well. Scarfing down whatever greasy mess McDonald’s is calling food nowadays may give you that extra boost to resist passing out and continue your drunken expeditions.

Sex would probably be your most favorable move from this point, and you are a Fraternal man so it’s bound to be easy. If you planned accordingly, you’ve been texting a slampiece (or three) ever since whiskey ginger number six. Or, even better, you’re doing your part to take advantage of the intoxicated talent of the bar itself. While your not-so-subtle game has gotten progressively harder to understand (“at teh bar, aycd, lets hfdangout latere”), you suffer no drawbacks and she wants it just the same. Just don’t let the booze get the best of you and wake up next to a proverbial “cave troll.” Anyone who says “It happens to everyone,” is a damn liar and needs to get some standards.

Finally, there is the choice of champions: more whiskey. You’ve been training since pledging for nights such as this, and, assuming you have a pair, you’ll have no issue manning up for a few more blurred hours of debauchery. Just because the special may be over does not mean the “All You Can Drink” tag disappears as well. Let’s face it: when we accepted our bids we entered into a 4+ year long “All You Can Drink” special anyway. Food and sex can always come later, but priority number one on a night like this is unadulterated liver abuse. Start strong, finish strong. Frat on.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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