We’ve all been there thousands of times (I’m there right now). You wake up, sometimes in your bed, sometimes some other random flat surface, but always with a screaming orchestra of pain resounding in your skull. You had one hell of a time last night, obviously, and now it’s time to pay. While we all naturally dread post-raging hangovers, there are a few steps I always take that allow me to conquer the alcoholic after-curse. While the only way to prevent a hangover is to not drink at all (that’ll be the day), this simple checklist will allow you to ascertain your surroundings and hopefully revive your fraternal energy.
First things first: you open your eyes and scan your hungover setting. I rely on a quick mental run through of “Where” “When” and “How” in this pivotal moment. In every case thus far, I haven’t been able to confidently answer a single one.
Next, it’s always crucial to check if you have a female guest present, because this can easily lead to golden opportunities (read: morning bj). Given your crippled hungover condition, there is a distinct possibility you batted slightly below your average, and if this is the case by all means shuffle her out as discreetly as possible. Nothing is worse than your brothers forming a tunnel of victory through the hallway as your 6.5 slam blushes her way out.
Now it’s time to determine if you have shit to do today. Now, I don’t mean just any “shit” per se. As long as you can talk yourself out of something it’s worth missing in my opinion. Things like classes, family brunch, and philanthropy events all fall under the category of “completely disregarded” when the demons of a hangover loom. If your schedule is free, then fuck it. Sleep until 5. No use putting yourself through unnecessary misery. If you fall in the other, less fortunate (read: not liberal arts major) category, I suggest you make a beeline for the nearest Gatorade, wherever it may be. I don’t care if you have to rip it from a vomiting pledges twig-like arms, hydration is crucial if you plan on any remote inkling of productivity today.
Once your hydration is handled, the only advice I can give you is to sack up, and power nap every chance you get. You have to be recharged for a repeat tonight, after all.
So maybe the steps to this “Things to do Hungover” checklist weren’t exactly revolutionary or groundbreaking (read: They’re the same shit everyone with a hangover does), but I’m way too hungover right now to care, and I just talked myself out of even writing an ending.