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Study Finds Bacon Lowers Sperm Quality, OR, Glass Half Full: Bacon Is The Best Birth Control Ever

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My other title idea was, “Plan B? Try Plan BACON”.

According to a new study presented to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine’s 2013 annual meeting in Boston, consuming bacon and other processed meats can significantly lower a man’s sperm quality. This may seem like devastating news. “Oh no! My precious sperm,” many male bacon consumers no doubt thought upon reading the news. First off, your sperm isn’t precious. A gallon of it goes down the shower drain every year. Let’s not act you’re all that protective of it.

For me, this bacon news is cause for joy.

Listen, I’m not trying to have a kid any time soon, so if the joyous act of eating bacon renders my jizz, scientifically speaking, retarded and dead, thus making the other joyous act of barely lucid post-6th Street love making that much safer from an unwanted pregnancy, then excuse me while I go eat BLTs for every lunch ever (I might do that regardless). Now I’m wondering if bacon has a direct effect on semen. Should I lube up with left over bacon grease to be extra sure my semen shoots out all stupid? That could explain 19th century infant mortality rates. They used bacon grease as lube, right? Well, that and whale blubber. There were so many erotic undertones in Moby Dick that my high school English teacher refused to acknowledge.

The category of “processed meats” also presumably includes things like pepperoni and sausage. If you plan on having a romantic (or incredibly unromantic) weekend I suggest you go down a few meat lover’s pizzas, just to be safe. You don’t want to be firing out a bunch of Michael Phelps-es, you need to make sure your boys are swimming like drunk amputees.

Unfortunately there are scientists who are trying to ruin my utopian paradise in which eating bacon keeps you child free.

However, some health professionals have expressed doubts about the study’s findings. Dr. Allan Pacey, chairman of the British Fertility Society, took issue with the way the researcher’s measured sperm quality and pointed out that the study included a small sample size.


Small sample size or no, eating bacon certainly won’t help your chances of getting someone pregnant, unless a different study discovers that eating such a masculine meat exponentially increases your sperm’s potency. That sort of seems more likely, come to think of it. That and the fact that all these studies are usually bullshit that get published to grab headlines has dented my trust in bacon as birth control. Now I don’t know what to think. I guess I’ll keep eating bacon regardless, and keep pulling out like a smart and considerate gentleman. It’s worked so far. I might lube up with whale blubber though. That’s just fool proof, though it takes forever to ship from Japan, and half the time they mix in way too much dolphin.

[via Fox News]


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