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Study Claims Vodka Red Bulls Are A Gateway Drug To Cocaine

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Hey kids, did you know energy drinks are gateways to cocaine addiction? And all this time I thought that one marijuana I had during eighth-grade recess is what was ruining my life. Instead, we’ve all got to blame one too many nights of tasting the beast for the hoards of cocaine we now crave.

A new study out of the University of Maryland School of Public Health suggests energy drinks are a gateway to a dependence on hard drugs, most namely cocaine. The study looked at nearly 1,100 young adults ages 21 to 25 and found there’s a link between people who drink energy drinks more than 51 percent of the time — because apparently people do that — and the addictive abuse of cocaine, prescription stimulants, and alcohol.

From Journal of Drug and Alcohol Dependence:

The typical pattern of ED consumption among this sample was sustained use throughout young adulthood. Such individuals appear to be at high risk for adverse substance use outcomes, and results suggest possible specificity regarding cocaine use and NPS, and AUD risk. More research is needed to understand the mechanisms underlying the connection between ED and substance use.

Or, you know, maybe people who are addicted to drinking unhealthy energy drinks for more than 50 percent of their liquid diet have other addictive tendencies. Just a guess here. Stupid science bitches couldn’t even make I more smarter.

The energy-drink-to-cocaine link isn’t an earth shattering one. Anyone who has had two or more Red Bulls and vodkas in a night and has a working knowledge of cocaine use through D.A.R.E knows that. You slug down four vodka Red Bulls and you’re awake ‘til at least 2 p.m. the next day trying to find cars to flip over. I’m a fit human being, and I’m still fairly certain I’ve survived at least three heart attacks caused by vodka Red Bulls. That shit is what the kids these days would call “lit.”

Lesson learned: It’s best to just stick with the Natty Daddys forever and ever.

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El Taco

Either a war hero or war criminal depending on how you look at it

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