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Study Claims Drinking Beer Before Boning Can Greatly Improve Performance

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Face it, your bedroom performance is lacking. She probably won’t admit it, but deep down you know you could do better. Do you care? Probably not. It takes some effort to improve on an activity that is often performed while severely intoxicated, and fighting whiskey dick is the one and only battle you’re concerned with winning. The next time you go on the prowl, however, stop for a second and consider avoiding the whiskey for a night, and, instead, drink some of America’s finest domestics. According to a new study, the switch to beer may actually increase your performance, and all that’s required on your end is to get shitty.

I’m a numbers guy. I often shy away from the sciences, but the conclusions from this study caught my eye. I have no qualifications to confirm or deny anything posted below, but I will gladly continue testing the theories for the sake of scientific progression. Dr. Kat Van Kirk, who actually earned a PhD in Human Sexuality, laid out the temporary sexual upgrades beer provides us, and while you’ll never find a monument honoring your abilities during intercourse, everybody could use a few boosters.

From NY Post:

The clinical sexologist and marriage and family therapist says knocking back a few pints will help make men last longer. The beer ultimately overloads one’s body with phytoestrogens from the alcohol, which are scientifically proven to delay orgasm, she says.

Lasting longer than absolutely necessary may be NF, but it may just be enough to earn you a round two if she miraculously walked out of there with a sense of pleasure. You often spend hours working on getting to the bedroom, might as well gift yourself a few extra moments of satisfaction at the end of the night.

[D]ark beers such as Guinness can boost a man’s libido and lead to longer, more intense erections because of their high amounts of iron, which increases the amount of blood circulation to the penis.

That’s a lot of technical jargon, but in summary, drink dark beer and you’ll practically be sporting an iron rod for the duration of your disappointment. Odds are you still won’t be able to operate it in any meaningful or graceful fashion, but it’ll be there waiting for you.

She then points to studies done by Italian researchers who found that daily beer drinkers have more stamina than their sober counterparts — and are 31 percent less likely to have heart disease, heart attacks or strokes.

Pick one: alcoholism or heart attack.

Lastly, Kirk points out how folks who hit the bottle won’t have to worry about getting an upset stomach when the mood is right. Beer contains loads of probiotics and B vitamins, which are very good for one’s digestive health.

We all love a good story featuring an ill-timed defecation deposit. They’re the best remarks in chapter as long as you’re not the unfortunate victim of a slippery shit. However, if nerves are still kicking hard at the end of the night, you failed to sufficiently drown your anxiety, which makes this a rather useless achievement.

Who actually knows if Dr. Van Kirk has found any critical links. There very well could be scientific gold in this article. There shouldn’t be any concern on our end, though. It all comes down to one main idea. Drink beer. Get laid. Science.

[via NY Post]

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Bogey Wells

Bogey Wells is a Senior Freelance Writer for TFM News and a former summer pledge intern at TFMHQ. His Spotify playlists are pure garbage. Email:

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