There are two kinds of strip club stories: Hilarious ones you tell everyone, and EVEN MORE HILARIOUS ONES that you tell no one and take to your grave. God knows I have both.
*stares out window, haunted by memories*
This particular tit house tale can be filed under the former. After all, no one was stabbed with a stiletto over a botched champagne room blow for blowjob transaction, and there were no virginities and lives lost within thirty minutes of each other (and if it happened, hopefully in that order). If I was the guy in the following story I’d regale pretty much anyone I could with it. This story would be my icebreaker at every party, which would work perfectly because if everyone loved it the story would add to the fun of the night, and if it offended more people than not, I’d peace the fuck out from that humorless PC fest.*
*Or maybe they’d just be decent human beings disgusted by my horrible lifestyle. I’m too far gone to even tell the difference anymore.
So a stripper punched some guy in the face for calling her fat. Let’s break down the details, via WMBF in Myrtle Beach.
A 23-year-old man reported to police that he was struck in the face repeatedly by a dancer at a Myrtle Beach gentlemen’s club early Sunday morning after telling the dancer that she should lose weight, according to a Myrtle Beach Police report.
Admittedly, that’s not a great thing to say to a stripper, though we’ve all absolutely thought it before. The vast majority of my strip club experiences — like yours, don’t lie you try hards — haven’t been in high-priced Las Vegas and Miami clubs full of impossibly hot dancers. When I’m in a strip club, it’s usually some godforsaken building that will eventually burn down, due to either an insurance fraud scheme or a crack smoking accident, but not until like ten years after it should have. And the dancers? Some of them are genuinely hot, but only in a “I’m 19 and too young to have been totally ruined by the world and my decisions” sort of way. The rest just look like they’ve seen way too much shit, both physically and in their gazes. Thank God I’ve never had to deal with seeing that sober.
The point, however, is that I have seen some strippers and wondered, “How in the hell did you get put on a stage? You have the looks, sexual energy, and rhythm of a Macy’s parade float.” Of course, I then look around at where I am and remind myself, “Oh right, because this place is a human garbage bin whose champagne only costs ten more dollars than an aluminum Miller Lite bottle.” Either way, when your profession involves your body, it’s somewhat fair for the consumer to question its appearance and ability, whether he or she is supposed to appreciate it (models, strippers, porn) or root for it (athletics, certain porn). That is especially true when said body is doing its damnedest to sell itself to the consumer.
Police met with the victim on Sunday night, and he told police that while he was at Derriere’s Gentlemen’s Club on Seaboard Street, a dancer was annoying him because she kept trying to talk to him. In response, he told the dancer that she should “go to the gym and lose weight,” the report states.
And here’s a little more detail about the exchange via USA Today.
According to a statement he made to police, Yeomans said the stripper was “annoying him and that she kept trying to talk to him and he was tired of it.”
Here are the last three things I remember a stripper saying to me from the stage, in no particular order:
1) “You wanna dance?”
2) “Are you looking for a dance?”
3) “You look like you need a nipple Eskimo kiss.”
After number three, the stripper rubbed her nipple on my nose for like ten seconds, and then asked me if I wanted to go to the back…for a dance. What I’m getting at is that this stripper probably wasn’t making small talk.
Stripper: So are you in town on vacation or what?
*spreads legs, gyrates beaver inches away from guy’s face*
Guy: HIT THE GYM LARDO!
Regardless of how annoying the stripper was being, and her refusal to get the message, it’s not nice (or smart) to say something like that to a stripper, especially in the middle of the club. The gentleman quickly paid the price for his unsolicited health/professional advice.
The dancer then reached off the stage and struck the victim four times in the face, and the bouncers dragged him out of the club and were unnecessarily rough with him, he claimed.
The guy definitely deserved to get thrown out, no question. Punched in the face and roughed up by bouncers? Probably not. Then again, “roughing up” is a strip club bouncer’s default setting. If you’re thrown out of a strip club by bouncers and somehow avoid becoming a parking lot punching bag or being gang stomped behind the dumpster and left for dead on a pile of soiled lingerie, drying semen and chlamydic discharge seeping into your freshly opened wounds, consider it a win.
But yeah, getting punched in the face by a stripper from on the stage? That’s a great story. Congratulations sir, you have something to entertain people you meet at bars for the rest of your life. That’s priceless, really.
And for good measure, the guy had a few choice quotes in the police report he filed as well.
The victim told police he was intoxicated during the altercation, and rated his intoxication level as an “11 out of 10.” When asked if he could identify the suspect that struck him, he described her as a white female, about 115 to 120 pounds in weight, with long black hair and a “muffin top.”
Thanks to this crazy bastard, it’s now public record that a stripper at Derriere’s Gentlemen’s Club (great strip club name, incidentally) in Myrtle Beach, SC has a “muffin top” and that he was “11 out of 10” on a scale of how drunk he was that night.
That’s a great story..