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Stop Wasting Your Time Going To Class

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What could go wrong? Maybe you’ll end up on bad terms with your professor as if that wasn’t going to happen regardless of whether or not you show up. In fact, you might be doing them a favor. And what are you going to miss? Buzz words and information that is readily available on Google? One cracked out Adderall ridden night can cover an entire semester’s worth of information.

It’s a fresh school year, and the sooner you get your priorities in order, the sooner you can get back to cracking a cold one with the boys, jumping through tables, and talking about the amount of tail you run through on a daily basis despite all signs actually contradicting that claim. Going to class holds you back from these things. Stop wasting your time with it.

Take it from a 3.0 third-year student who’s attended less classes than a Butch Davis coached football player. Other than taking quizzes, exams, or putting in work with the aforementioned ass you “total” crush, class is pointless. That said, I’m not talking about neglecting your education as a whole. Skipping class does not mean missing exams, essays, quizzes, or projects. You’re paying good money for that piece of paper you’ll eventually hang on the wall of your home office. You’re also paying good money to be part of a brotherhood that relies on you to not be a total asshat when it comes to academics. While attending class might not require as much time as our places of higher learning deem necessary, keeping up with what you miss needs to be given as much time as any of your other top priorities. Time spent on Tinder, Bumble, masturbating, thinking about laying pipe, watching other people lay pipe, or pooping should be time spent studying.

Unfortunately, it’s likely that one of your classes will be commandeered by a control freak of a professor — one who takes attendance like you aren’t paying them to be there in the first place. Luckily, there are a couple workarounds for a situation like this.

The first — and least sustainable — method involves getting to class early, writing your name on the sign-in sheet, lounging in the back for three minutes, then bee lining it to the door when the room starts filling up. If your class uses clickers, you can implement these steps after attendance is taken. The professor might catch on, so you can’t do it more than a handful of times throughout the semester. If they confront you, tell them you were fighting off a flu bug/ venereal disease/ pregnancy scare/ anxiety attack and needed to leave class before things got out of hand. Or just play the “my dog has cancer” card and you don’t know how much time your poor pup has left in this cold world. Any human being that challenges this claim is downright heartless and not a person you should be spending any time with.

For a sure-fire method to get away with skipping an attendance based class, you simply need to pull from your fraternity’s pool of subservient pledges. They will be more than happy to write your name on a sheet every single day, until their initiation. Also known as “Attendance Pledges,” or “Clicker Pledges,” it is their duty to forge signatures/ press clickers until every brother passes. You joined a fraternity to get ahead in life. There’s no reason to hold back from squeezing every advantage possible out of the experience, especially at the expense of pledges.

If you live a dull existence, making attendance a priority is understandable. And if life is really that boring for you, I hope you can find satisfaction in sitting front row and asking dumb questions on a daily basis. It’s unnecessary. Every answer to every question can be found on the Internet. An instructor with a lecture series is nothing more than a formality. Work smarter, not harder. Stop wasting your time going to class.

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Swoop Johnson

I’d like to thank Jesus, my family, and Busch Light for getting me to where I am today.

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