Columns

Stop Saying “I Don’t Trust Anyone My Dog Doesn’t Like”

dogs trust

“I don’t trust anyone my dog doesn’t like.”

Those ten words (don’t check that number; I didn’t count) are forever branded into the back of my cranium because they make up such an annoying sentence and such a stupid life philosophy. I’ve heard a good amount of people say them, which irks me to no end.

I will say that I think it’s a beautiful sentiment. Obviously, dogs are awesome. They’re loyal and they’re fun, which is why they’re the only animals I’m not okay with eating (…for now). They’re my favorite people. And, for the record, yes — dogs are a trillion times better than cats. Don’t @ me. Cats are boring, evil, and they hate humans. They would murder us if they could, and we need to stop enabling their sociopathy. Anyone who disagrees can suck on this dick.

But “I don’t trust anyone my dog doesn’t like” is a shallow, empty statement. It sounds good, but it doesn’t hold up under scrutiny, like communism or the ending of The Dark Knight Rises. Yet still, I continue to hear a lot of people mindlessly repeat this mantra. According to them, if you walk into their house and their dog is all yappy and aggressive, that means you’re a piece of human garbage whom the dog has just outed as a closet psychopath. But if that thing likes you? It means you’re an angel and you passed the test. “Congratulations.”

A lot of girls say the line in question, which is annoying. Let me get this straight: if we’re gonna end up in a r*lationship, I gotta get the approval of your friends, your whole family, AND your Chihuahua?! Damn. Not worth it; sorry. (Side note: it took me like 12 tries to correctly spell Chiuahua) I don’t need another hoop of approval to jump through, especially when the final boss is a creature that humps legs and plays with its own poop. I will curb stomp that Chihuahua American History X-style if need to be just to assert my dominance in this house.

But the main problem here? This idea makes no sense. If you somehow hate yourself enough to still be reading this article right now, then you may be asking, “Huh, why does it not make sense, Wally?”

Well, Greg, it’s because dogs are idiots. My collie Lucy loves EVERYONE. If I were to trust everyone my idiotic dog loves, I would have been murdered in an alley by now. Having your dog serve as your primary judge of character is a terrible and dangerous system by which to live your life. Charles Manson, O.J. Simpson, Mr. Cosby, and Kim Jong-un could waltz into my house right now and my dog would run up to them with a wagging tail, happy to meet new people. You could walk through my front door with a swastika on your sweater and a pillowcase full of dead babies and my dog would just be like, “OH! NEW FRIEND! NEW FRIEND!” Yes, my dog can talk, but that’s a story for a different article.

The point is, don’t trust anyone who says “I don’t trust anyone my dog doesn’t like” —
especially if your dog doesn’t like them.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

7 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More