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Stop Calling Your Weed “Medicinal”

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There’s nothing wrong with a little weed from time to time. Everybody enjoys it every now and then, myself included. I wouldn’t necessarily say I smoke on a regular basis. For example, I smoke sometimes, but I don’t smoke enough to find Cheech and Chong movies funny. I smoke sometimes, but not enough to think Mac Miller lyrics are deep. I smoke sometimes, and I probably smoke too much to write good articles.

So obviously I’ve got nothing against Mary Jane. I think pot should be legalized recreationally in all 50 states. The key word is recreationally. Weed is legal medicinally in many states in America. And I don’t like medicinal weed.

Before I continue, let me clarify a little. I like medical weed when it REALLY IS medical. I have a friend with cerebral palsy, and he smokes weed to help ease the pain. I see it, I notice it, and I respect it. But I hate when people say their weed is medical when it clearly is not. How dumb do you think I am? (Actually, I AM pretty fucking dumb but that’s not the point).

Many people take advantage of medical weed. They’ll get it by complaining to the doctor about a generic problem they don’t really have (back pain, headaches, etc.) to get their hands on it. I don’t have a problem with that. If you can use easy loopholes to get legally get weed and you’re not hurting anybody, there’s nothing wrong with it.

What I hate is that once you leave that doctors office, you still pretend it’s medicinal when it isn’t. Just admit that you want to get high. It’s not a big deal that you just want to get stoned, but don’t try to give it a mature and sympathetic façade.

I have a friend with diagnosed clinical depression who stopped taking her medication and she uses her weed to “self-medicate.” Really? That’s what it is? You wake up every day and “take your medicine?” just admit you want to get stoned, Becca. If you want to self-medicate from depression, just do it the normal ways: take Zoloft, watch an old Jim Carrey movie, look at pictures of Margot Robbie, or make fun of Wally Bryton. There are so many options.

And please, for the love of everything that is holy, stop acting like weed cures EVERYTHING. Yes, it cures some things. But don’t be that douchebox posting inaccurate memes about how it’s a life-saving cure-all given to us by the grace of God.

I see these obnoxious, mom’s basement dwelling, obsessive stoners all the time. Saying things like “Hey man, weed cures EVERY major disease. It cures cancer, AIDS, hiccups, racism, Bieber fever, EVERYTHING!” and you ask “Where did you learn this?” and he says “From this 4/20 themed website with no sources.”

You look like an asshole when you have long greasy hair and a faded Bob Marley shirt, wearing a Rasta-colored beanie and smoking from your swagged out custom bong, saying that you ONLY want weed to be legal “because it cures cancer.” You don’t give two craps about cancer; you just want to have the munchies without getting paranoid that you’ll get arrested and get buttfucked in jail by a 350-pound bearded man with schizophrenia and swastika tattoos.

People suggest it to me. I’m bipolar, and one of my friends was like “Use weed next time you have a bipolar episode. It will cure it!” So I tried it. You know what happened? Nothing. Now I’m just bipolar AND hungry.

If you want to get high, get high. But don’t act like it’s medical if it isn’t. It makes you look more moronic than a Nickelback fan that does CrossFit. You don’t want weed to be legal so you “fix your back pain” and save cancer patients around the globe. You just don’t want to get handcuffed for constructing your gravity bong, which I understand. You don’t care about medical shit. You just want to get stoned harder than a woman who tried to drive a car in Saudi Arabia. Just be honest.

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

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