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Stoners Across the Nation Giggle in Unison

Everyone knows “those guys” in their chapter who smoke weed all too often. Apparently, some people are inclined to wasting weeks of their lives playing FIFA and laughing like semi-retarded hyenas. These are the guys that “haze” the pledges into making guacamole, or bringing over 17 gas station hotdogs. Some of them maintain respectable lifestyles, and others…not so much. Don’t get me wrong, smoking until you can’t see straight can help take the edge off every now and then, but there is a difference between enjoying pot in a normal recreational manner, and being a worthless brain-dead hippie, incapable of bringing anything to the table or benefiting society in any way. Today, if you feel inclined to get stoned out of your mind, feel free, but keep that shit to yourself as best you can. Don’t walk around campus drooling and giggling like a schoolgirl. There is no reason to lose composure and behave like some heathen GDI. If you go around openly supporting 4/20, or shouting things like “legalize it,” then you were probably raised on this “Ei Ei Yoga” farm, and should move to Canada immediately.

Seriously, look around your classroom. How many people chose not to use their Visine today in a show of 4/20 enthusiasm? We get it, bro. You smoke weed. Use your fucking eye drops before someone arrests you for looking like a rabid zombie. Moving on. Throughout the day, hippies may try and get you to participate in things such as hacky sack or some form of drum circle. The proper response to such an invitation should be a swift kick in the balls. Don’t be like one of the mindless drones who gather by the thousands in Colorado to smoke in a grand show of unison, making hippies feel cool and included, even if just for a few fleeting moments.

When my kids ask if they can visit Boulder’s campus, I’m going to strap them down, and force them to watch “Requiem for a Dream” on repeat for 48 hours.

In all seriousness, try and keep those bloodshot eyes open, and stay safe out there.

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