As you may have gathered, I am a fan of the ladies. There are two distinct classes of women that I know you are all familiar with. There are slampieces and there are women. Slampieces are simple. They like fraternity men. We like them too, in a very vagina-central sort of way. If a slampiece wants to come over, she is welcome, provided it is after last call between the hours of 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. and she leaves in a timely manner (usually clad in the button-up shirts that we don’t want anymore). We want one thing from them, and they usually know their place. But this is not a column about my checklist for slampieces (that list ends after attractiveness, willingness, and discretion). This column is about my checklist for a woman.
Women are far more complex than your everyday slampiece. They require time and effort, two things that we usually reserve for scotch and business. If I am going to be investing my life and my future in you (and giving up other women), you’re for damn sure going to have some standards to live up to:
1. Attractiveness– Yes, I know that I just put that on the slampiece list, but like I said this version is much more complex. Real attractiveness is not about tits and ass, because that shit goes away. If I’m thinking about a potential future with a girl, I turn into a fucking genetic scientist. Hell, I’ll even agree to meet her family for the sole purpose of scouting her mom. You want to make sure that this investment is still paying dividends 20 years from now, or you’ll move onto wife number two quicker than necessary. It’s just good business.
2. Intelligence– If there’s one thing we all know to be true about girls, it’s that hot only goes so far. If she’s dumber than an expired can of Spam rolling around in a dump truck, sex isn’t going to save her for long. Our girls need to be able to adequately discuss and debate politics (foreign and domestic policy), economics, music, movies, and sports. And yes, they’re allowed to watch their Bake-Off Wars and unredeemable MTV reality shows, because that means we get our month long hunting safaris and excursions to Vegas. And people say I don’t negotiate…
3. Assertiveness– This one is a little tricky. Let me set the record straight, it is totally acceptable – even preferable – for us to have our slampieces around to wash our clothes and make our food. But I am not going to commit to a woman just so I can have pressed shirts and perfect sandwiches, I can pay an illegal named Marta six American dollars an hour to do that. I’m not searching for a lifetime dishwasher. I want a woman who’s willing to kick my ass if I’m fucking up (which is pretty much all day, maybe I’m a masochist).
4. Kindness– Well…kindness to me. She can be a bitch to you assholes all day for all I care.
5. Willingness– Yeah, this one was on the slampiece list too. But after years of dating and/or marriage, normal slam sessions are going to lose their luster. I’m not saying I want a girl who shows up to the bedroom with a strap on, the fratlab’s leash, one latex glove, and the pledge paddle from ’08 that took the life of Watkins’ left testy…but a little openness to experimentation is good for everyone.
6. True Love– My bad. Kiss From A Rose just played on Pandora and it got me a little emotional. Fuck, I love that song though. Where were we? Batman Forever? Ok, let’s do this.
Anyway, y’all get the idea. But the best part about this list is that I don’t even have to worry about this shit right now. I will go to the bar tonight and say dirty things to girls I’ve never met. It’ll disgust most of them, but one of them is going to love it, and we’ll go back to the bedroom to do some sinning. So what’s the moral of the story for fraternity men? Keep your standards in mind, even when you’re railing a rando from behind. For now, just let your little head make all the decisions for you. Ladies, I know this column didn’t have the happy ending that you thought it would, but keep this in mind: This isn’t a fucking Disney movie. And why is there no mustard on this?