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Sterling Cooper Solves Our Lockout Problems

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At this point in the year, one fact has become painfully obvious: once the Texas Rangers walk off the field as World Champions this October, we will likely confront what will come to be known as “The Sports Apocalypse of 2011.” As with any impending apocalypse, we need to make sure that we are adequately prepared. Currently, it appears both the NFL and NBA will face at least temporary delays in the start of their seasons. I know that a lot of you have foolishly chosen not to like basketball, but even the biggest NBA hater is going to miss seeing Blake Griffin on SportsCenter’s Top 10. Golf will still be going on, but who really cares since Major Season will be over? We could always watch hockey, but like everything else about the North, it’s frigid, of a lower caliber, and not entirely captivating. The Cold War may be over, but any sport that the Russians love and excel at reeks of communism to me. As a result of the looming sports drought, I’ve compiled a short list of things we can do to keep ourselves entertained during the fall:

1. College Football- If at any point you feel the slightest bit depressed by the possible loss of the NFL, take comfort in the fact that College Football’s far superior season will still be there. Each and every week you’ll still be given a reason to either celebrate with drunken revelry, or pound whiskey to wash away your sorrows. Rivalries, bragging rights, scandals, and most importantly tailgating…seriously, do I need to tell you how awesome college football is? I think not. Remember, the glass is always half-full, and consider on the fact that with the NFL’s absence you can double your bets on every NCAA game.

2. Pledges- There’s nothing better than having a designated combo maid/driver/ errand boy/court jester/bitch to do everything you say even for your simplest satisfaction. To further your entertainment portfolio, have the pledges play a game of full contact football in the front yard of the fratcastle every Sunday. Instead of normal rules, create an ungodly mash-up of XFL, UFC, and NFL Blitz combined. Have the biggest guy dress up as Macho Man Randy Savage just for the hell of it (RIP). If you don’t enjoy seeing one pledge spear another into an oak tree while you rip Marlboro Reds and drink Johnnie Walker, then you’re a commie and should be watching hockey.

3. Hunting- If anything can distract us from the lockout lull, it’s a good hunting bloodbath. Stealthily executing a shit ton of animals will not only make us feel better, but simultaneously piss PETA the fuck off. Remember the helicopter hog hunting video ( Would you really rather watch an NFC West game or spend the day slamming Budweiser and sniping the fuck out of feral hog from a helicopter?

4. Women- Double your normal intake of slams and try out some unusual shit. For ideas, check out the discussion on crazy sex acts ( My personal favorites would be the Mandarin Waterslide, Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid, The Midget Spaghetti Monster, and The Poops-Pow Surprise. Considering none of those actually exist, another fun escapade would be to invent them. I eagerly await your ideas.

Obviously we’ll all survive the possible delay in the professional sports seasons, and there are hundreds of other things we can spend our time on. We can use this experience for good, and it may end up giving us a better appreciation for the things that we already do. I’d say the biggest lesson to be learned here is that if we don’t want the NFL owners to create a work stoppage, we should all just become owners. I think that’s the most rational course of action. Dibs on the Cowboys.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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