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Sterling Cooper Does Summer…and Her Sister

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The time is upon us. Finals are over. Some of us failed a few classes due to excessive “sick days.” Some of us aced our finals using our fraternity’s illustrious test bank. Some of us didn’t do either of those things because some of us are smart enough to rage hard and still ace everything that our pony-tailed, corduroy jacket wearing GDI professors throw at us using only our brains and our balls. Regardless of how you got here, we’re at this crossroads together. The ultimate question for fraternity men in early May has been the same for generations, “How can I make this summer crazier than Gary Busey in a room full of cats?”

Everyone has a different venue for summer activities. If I took a poll of how many people on TFM will be spending their time at their family’s summer home, a lot of responses would be “Yeah, bro, I’m gonna be raging my balls off in Martha’s Vineyard all fucking summer. Look how awesome I am.” I have a very simple response to those people…eat a bag of dicks. This article is not a guide for those people. If you’ve got a sick summer home, you should have enough class not to brag about it. Whatever your circumstances, do not waste your time in an internship running meaningless errands instead of making this summer your own intern bitch. Here’s a step-by-step plan to help make your summer awesome. If you think you’ve got your shit on lock and you don’t want a TFM column to help you be creative, then go ahead and exit this and go take a Jager bomb or two. I hear that’s what cool people do.

1. Do not, under any circumstances, go home. The only people who will be in your hometown are the people who still consider their high school letter jackets to be appropriate evening attire. If you do end up going home, do your best to spend time with your father’s friends. Play a few holes, buy them a drink, and impress them with your knowledge of the inverse correlation between international tech commodities and the Chinese central bank’s artificial depression of the value of the Yuan (and if you actually use that, then you’re an idiot, because I just made that shit up). Anyway, the old guys are awesome. They’ll tell you some pre-state hazing laws pledging stories that will give your balls goose bumps and make your old hell week scars flare up.

2. If you’re not home, do something worthwhile with your time. Don’t sit on a beach drinking beer all summer. That only ends with 20 pounds of alcohol weight and no stories to justify it. Staying in one place all summer is about as cool as a boner in a water park. Here’s a better idea. Go to an airport with three friends. Each of you is in charge of taking three Vyvanse and drinking a liter of Everclear. By the time you regain consciousness, you will be in a different city, possibly in a different country, and definitely in a great position to wreak some havoc. Wherever you end up, you have to spend the next month there, absorbing the culture, tainting the women, and generally rocking the casbah (whatever the hell a casbah is). A responsible person might call it the biggest mistake ever. I call it the Recipe for Righteousness.

3. The most important rule of summer slaying is this: Never bring anything back with you. This includes legal problems, women, and STDs. Ok, sure STDs technically come back with you…but is that really something she needs to know? The best part about summertime is that you know that you’ll end with a clean slate. You can come back to campus next year and pick up exactly where you left off. The memories you make will stay with you, but your mistakes won’t follow you (unless your mistake happens to wear diapers, and then you’re basically shit-fucked).

So after all of this, some of you may be curious as to what my own plans for summer are. Well here it is. I will be working at a government-sponsored summer arts camp for underprivileged children. I’ll be teaching kids how to express their inner feelings through painting and interpretive dance. It’s a pretty special program. On that note, here’s to a productive summer. Good luck.

(Y’all should seriously see your faces right now)

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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