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I am writing my 4th of July column early. Why? Because today is a beautiful day. It is the official start of the 4th of July weekend. Now, I know some of you have probably been using Independence Day’s imminence as an excuse to booze all week long. But personally, I always hold off my celebrating until July 1, because it is my second favorite patriotic holiday. Today, my friends, is Canada Day.
Now, before all of you go off the reservation and plan to bomb the TFM offices, let me explain. Canada Day is a perfect holiday for several reasons. First, it falls three days before our own perfect holiday, allowing for a set amount of time to be spent in an utter state of patriotic debauchery. But second, and more importantly, it is a symbol. Every year, it’s as if the day comes to life, taps me on the shoulder and says, “Hey remember that time you weren’t a Canadian? Enjoy it.” So every Fourth of July, I rage in the name of the USA. But every July 1, I party in the celebration of not-being-Canadian. Now, in order to celebrate this properly, pop one of those almost-trying-too-hard American flag Budweisers and join me in looking back to events that have happened on other Canada Days.
1. Teddy Roosevelt charges up San Juan Hill with his Rough Riders, absent orders from his commander. He was quoted as saying, “Since when were orders required to fuck shit up? I’m bored, and I think one of those Spanish assholes on top of that hill just said today was Canada Day.” (He didn’t say any of that.) Whatever bad policies may have transpired in his presidency, San Juan Hill was awesome.
2. Pamela Anderson is born. Yes, she was technically born in Canada, but we all know that those tits are full-blooded Americans. In fact, what better way to celebrate Canada Day than to remind them that their hottest women always come here to run in slow motion on our beaches?
3. The first day of fighting at Gettysburg. Wherever you are in relation to the Mason-Dixon line, I think we can all agree that one of the few things worse than Canada is the loss of American lives. And since this is our Independence Day weekend, I think it’s a great idea to put our geographic ideologies aside for a few days in the spirit of mutual appreciation for booze, women, and explosions.
You know that douchey neighbor that always wears socks and sandals, pretends like he doesn’t like you, but secretly drops hints that he wants to be invited to your parties? Well, probably not, but imagine that guy for a second. That’s Canada. And on this year’s Canada Day, I want to let all Canadians know that they are invited to our party. All they need to do is immigrate (legally of course), renounce their citizenship and then go through the process of gaining US citizenship. After attaining legal citizenship status, Mr. Canadian, don’t think for a second that it makes you an American. You know what that paper we gave you is? It’s a bid card. Welcome to pledgeship.