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PANEL: We will now begin with the phase of determining the punishment. We will first hear from the prosecutor.
PROSECUTOR: It is my belief that there has been a continuous cycle of dangerous and inappropriate behavior within this organization. Just as recently as two years ago, there was an incident that was reported but never brought to the board. You can look through these papers and see for yourselves.
The papers ended up being about a 45-page anti-hazing PowerPoint presentation that the fraternity had put on for the community a couple of years back. Fat Betsy Devos was over here trying to pin us for doing something beneficial by claiming that it showed our lack of morals simply because it was in response to a disgruntled pledge that was blackballed. Continuing on with her alternative facts:
PROSECUTOR: You can see here in this news story clipping from eight years ago that there was a man who had left the fraternity intoxicated and ended up being involved in a fatal car accident. Accompanied with it are e-mails from their president, wherein he is contacting the university to try and re-apply to be an organization in the aftermath. The nerve!
Thank Christ someone on that panel had known what those documents were, because it was, without a shadow of a doubt, the turning point in this sorry excuse for a hearing.
PANEL: Those e-mails… I actually dealt with them… Those e-mails were just them forgetting to re-apply as an organization. Their president was just contacting us as to how they were supposed to do that. The two are completely unrelated.
I couldn’t hold back any longer.
ME: May I say something along with that? I know I’m not supposed to, but this is ridiculous.
ME: I don’t mean to be rude (Side note: I absolutely meant to be rude), but what kind of professional doesn’t check the evidence they are using when trying to make a case here? What kind of hearing is this anyway?
PROSECUTOR: I am so very sorry; I did not mean in any way to present something that didn’t have merit (Yeah, right…). However, based on everything presented thus far, I think a six year suspension is sufficient.
PANEL: Does Jay have anything else to present?
You bet your ass I did.
ME: We were wrong to lie about what happened at the function that night, I’ll admit. However, it’s imperative that you separate the function and hospital incident — the two are completely unrelated. A life was saved; I think we can all agree on the importance of that. We lied about what went on at that function, but based on just that alone, there is no precedent for moving straight to a suspension.
We aren’t bad people, and we’re a positive influence on this community. We have campus leaders willing to vouch for us in such a serious situation, and just look at our service history. Over a thousand hours each year for the past two years — it’s one of the highest in our community. We are not a bunch of delinquents just screwing around as we have been portrayed in this hearing. Take all of that and our relationship with community service leaders on this campus into consideration, and you should come to the conclusion that removing this organization for an extended period of time is not justified.
PANEL: Alright, thank you, Jay. Please wait outside while we deliberate.
Attempting to take another massive rip of his e-cig, Mitch realized he was out of juice.
“Good thing I’ve got the real ones with me,” he said.
As he began to pull out a pack of cigarettes, I said, “Mitch, what the hell; you can’t smoke in here!”
He responded, “Well goddammit I ought to be able to. This is stressful.”
That it was.
After about a half hour, we were finally brought back in. I thought I had myself under control, but my heart was racing. Staring down at my notebook and seemingly in a fog, I blacked out.
PANEL: We have decided that since a life was saved, and for that reason only, the organization will immediately begin a two year probationary period. During that time, you will not function. You will also attend monthly educational meetings for the first year, and semesterly health workshops for the entire duration.
Our organization had effectively taken a dome shot and somehow survived. I had a case of the shakes so bad, you’d have mistaken me for a user. As we rode down the elevator, Mitch turned and shook my hand in a way that suggested we had gone in there and simply taken care of business. Cool, calm, and collected. Mitch was a champ.
Six hours later, I returned a hero. Swarmed by my brothers, who only knew that we “weren’t fucked,” they were all clamoring with the same question.
ACTIVE: So, what happened?
ME: We got two years of probation, and…
ACTIVE: Probation?! Holy shit, are you serious? That’s it?!
ME: I mean, yeah, but there’s a bunch of other stuff that’s going to be really shitty.
ACTIVE: WHO CARES?! (they would all end up caring — a lot, actually).
A chant began, which I didn’t quite follow at first.
ACTIVE: I believe —
I thought he was going to start saying our creed, so I responded in kind.
ME: I believe —
ACTIVE: I believe that!
Wait, what? That’s not how it goes…
ACTIVE: I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL DRINK! I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL DRINK!
The entire chapter erupted in unison. It was off to the local establishments to properly celebrate our hard-earned victory.
The next two years would be absolute hell. Attempting to get everyone together for the health and safety meetings would be borderline impossible, and morale would drop to an all-time low due to the severe lack of estrogen our situation afforded us. This tale is one of both triumph and caution. If you ever are in a medical emergency situation, don’t hesitate to contact the proper authorities immediately. If you are ever in a situation where you’re in trouble with the university, just tell the truth..
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