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What’s up, you smug-faced losers? I bet you’re feeling real proud of yourself for one reason or another. Maybe you remembered to eat breakfast this morning, or just put up a new personal best max on bench. Man, that sense of accomplishment is probably keeping your fragile psyche from collapsing like a house of cards. Well, prepare to cry like a little bitch, because Stanford’s athletes have been superior to you since 1912. Especially in 2016, since the Cardinal have 31 current or former students wrecking the world at large.
Stanford students and alumni will participate in swimming, diving, water polo, sailing, rowing, soccer, tennis, volleyball, equestrian, rugby, and fencing events this year, according to information provided by the U.S. Olympic Committee. The university has produced at least one medalist in every Olympics in which the U.S. has competed since 1912. Bernard Muir, Stanford’s athletic director, says this achievement is “synonymous with Stanford Athletics’ reputation as the nation’s most successful athletics program.”
Seventy-five percent of the 2016 U.S. Olympic team competed in collegiate athletics at the varsity and club levels.
Not only are Stanford’s Olympians showing up to Rio in unprecedented numbers, they’re also showing out big time. In the course of their unprecedented run, Stanford athletes have accrued 250 medals. Seven of those have come in this year’s games, most amongst any university. Couple that with NCAA success and the fact that Forbes ranked Stanford the number one school in the nation for 2016, and Stanford is making us all look like shit. Most of their grads will end up with better jobs or enough endorsements to sustain them and their families for centuries.
Looks like the nerds have been taking their revenge for over a century, but it came without drugs that limit intoxication or Darth Vader-costumed assault. That movie’s pretty fucked up when you think about it. If you’re a younger reader of the site, try to transfer or get into Stanford immediately. It’s the only way you’re going to find professional success. If you don’t you’re looking at a sad life half lived..
Image via YouTube