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Squirrels Are Attacking People On Indiana Campus And Declaring War On Humans

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Stay the hell away from Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis (That’s a mouthful) unless you wanna get mauled to death by a squirrel.

From USA Today:

Recently, there have been reports of aggressive squirrels around the IUPUI campus. Squirrels may look cute, and they are fun to watch scampering about, but they should not be treated as pets.

Words to live by.

The school also warned students to stop feeding these bitch-ass squirrels, because “If fed by humans often enough, they will stop foraging for their own food and will rely on humans.” Why anyone would have the naive audacity to feed these little plague carrying bastards is beyond me.

The campus statement weakly tried to remain civil, saying “appreciate wildlife, but do so at a distance” and “please leave IUPUI campus squirrels alone.” So we’re just gonna let these squirrels walk all over us now? Not on my watch.

Reports of aggressive squirrels have been circulating and these vicious little sociopaths are physically attacking humans. It’s “alleged” that humans have been feeding them, so they developed a dependency on humans for food. And when they approach a human for food and the human doesn’t feed them, the squirrel proceeds to physically assault the human.

That’s what the campus is saying but we know damn well that these squirrels are cruel and sadistic. They’re doing this purely for sport. Squirrels don’t need a reason to attack us, they never needed one. They’re a level of evil we’ll never truly comprehend. They’re like serial killers or mass shooters. We’ll never be able to understand what motivates them, nor would we want to.

The campus ended their statement by saying that squirrels “should be left alone to co-exist in our community.” But it’s too late for that. This means war, squirrels.

[via USA Today]

Image via Shutterstock

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Wally Bryton

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